Remembering Baelin

today you would be 6

2010-04-17T23:40:00.000-07:00

i really am at a loss for words as i start this. have spent much of today feeling guilty that i don't want to be sad today and therefore don't want to dwell on you and your short life, my dear sweet baelin. we did (your dad, sister and brother and i) spend the first half of the day working on a new memorial garden for you. the previous one still needs some extra work to make it safe for the room that it flooded, so friends of mine suggested the other planter...so we started working (my friends and i) on deweeding it on friday to be able to plant flowers in it eventually for you. daddy and i worked some more on cleaning it up today. there's really a ton of weeds in there so we are not entirely certain how this is going to work, but its looking much better and we will keep working on it until we can get it completed.

every year i think that i should watch the video of your birth and/or listen to the cd song that i played at your memorial. but i can't bring myself to do either. i know both will so shake me up and bring me to uncontrollable tears that i just cannot do either. it actually upsets me to even SEE either of these things on the shelf/drawer, that i just know i cannot do it. not yet. maybe some day.

back when the pain was still so fresh, i did torture myself regularly with listening to that song...but i needed to cry back then. i still could never bring myself to watch that video though. i don't know how daddy did it, i really don't. but he made it into a dvd and i know he must have had to look at some of it in the process.

i thought as time went on that it would get easier but it really doesn't. sure, the immediate raw pain is gone...and life goes on and i spend so much time with all the busyness of my life that i don't stop to feel the pain so much anymore...but its always there...just waiting for me to remember it. to remember you.

i HATE with every fiber in my being that this happened. i'm angry that it happened. i'm angry that all of us had to go through this pain. i'm angry that we didn't even get a chance to know you. i'm angry that your sister had to go through watching us all go through this and not really understanding it (she was only 3 and a half)...

i hate also that there are people that would look at your birth and use it as proof that having babies at home is risky. i know that its not. where you were born/died is completely irrelevant and had nothing to do with it. but i hate that there are those that would think it was our fault for taking such a "risk." i know this just isn't true but i hate that others think and feel it. it really kills me. i have to turn off my brain sometimes and try to just remember that i cannot control how others think. but i hate that this could even be an issue.

anyway, i did think of you today, baby. i'm sorry that i cannot handle thinking of you more...but i am at a place where i am starting to just not want to remind myself of all that pain. i'm sure you understand. i won't put away your pictures (the few that we have)...but i just cannot handle diving into all that pain again. i know that your birthday is a good time for it...but i just don't feel up to it these days.

they say grieving goes through stages...i don't know if this is another stage i'm in now...

but i do think of you, you know i do, and i do still love you and miss you of course. wishing you weren't gone. wishing it could all be so different...and remembering too that without losing you we probably wouldn't have tyren. doesn't help a lot, but it does a little. of course i know that we just wouldn't know that we missed out on him...but i know who he is now, so i wouldn't wish to not know him for anything in the world. and yet i still wish i could have known you, of course.

i'm just not in a place right now to be very inspiring and thoughtful about your life/death. i hate it. it sucks. i wish it hadn't happened. i wish our family wasn't forever changed by this.

but i do love you. always.

Today Baelin would have been 4

2008-04-17T08:37:00.000-07:00

As I sit here typing, with my 2.5yr old and my 7yr old playing happily nearby, watching pbs...still in our pjs, still waking up...I don't really know how to feel. I am sad, of course. I wish it hadn't been this way with Baelin. I wish our family never had to suffer such a huge loss. But at the same time I have to remind myself that without losing Baelin we wouldn't have Tyren:

(Poor little bugger has a cold right now, so this is his weak, red/snotty nosed smile this morning.)

I am really glad that BabyFest ended before Baelin's birthday this year...so that I can have the day to think of Baelin. It seriously sucked last year because of it being crunch time for BabyFest and I just didn't have time to think anything other than being guilty that I couldn't stop to think about him! This year, BabyFest was last Saturday and I'm trying to get back to life as normal (whatever that is), and I can sit here and think of Baelin.

Its hard, though, to think of a baby that you didn't have much of any time with. I did have the in-utero time, but that was all me wondering what he'd be like...and wishing he wouldn't make me feel so uncomfortable! I was really looking forward to meeting him...to just have that taken from me was devastating. I will never shake the pain in my heart from all that we went through that horrible morning 4 years ago. It still haunts me and always will, I suppose.

Of course it gets better...you can't feel that much pain that intensely forever. It dulls and I don't think of him every single day anymore...which also makes me sad but also relieved at the same time, if that makes any sense. And guilt always comes into play. Mommyhood just seems to be all about guilt. I feel guilty about so many things every single day! I feel like I am screwing up left and right constantly. And I probably am.

I can say "I'm doing the best that I can"...but really, am I? How does anyone really truly do the BEST they can, all the time? Just doesn't seem human. Sure, at times...but all the time? That would be simply exhausting! I make good and bad choices all the time. And I beat myself up constantly for the bad ones. And I berate my children for making bad choices. And I try to change that cycle.

I have to comfort myself in the stuff I do right...I occasionally get it right, I think...I feel like I'm doing right by Maeven by homeschooling her...but then I feel like I am always needing to do better at it...I feel I'm doing right by Tyren by teaching him sensitivity and not the macho garbage that our society pushes on little boys...I would have taught this to Baelin as well. *sigh*

Tyren just came over to me and softly "read" to me out of Daddy's paperback book (a sci-fi, I think): "Once upon a time, there was a baby. The end." LOL! Too cute! Wonder if that was supposed to mean something? Him saying that to me, just as I'm thinking of the baby I lost. Probably shouldn't think too much into that.

I'm babbling because I don't know what to write about Baelin. There isn't much to remember. He was with us so short.

I still have Baelin's "shrine" set up in the hutch in the living room. And his picture on the wall, with the other children's (one newborn pic of each of my kids, in a row). That's all I have.

I haven't watched his birth video. I still don't feel ready for that. I'm afraid of how it will make me feel. I'm afraid of the intensity of emotions it might evoke. I don't want to sink into that pit of despair again. I want to watch it someday...just not sure when.

I don't know what Baelin's life and death was supposed to teach us. Everyone says there's a purpose to bad things like this...damned if I know what it is...I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I could do without being this strong.

Adam has suggested getting a cake this year in honor of Baelin's birthday. I guess we might do that...since the garden is trashed (long story, but it got flooded last year and we need to build a wall behind it to keep it from flooding the big room behind it, so we haven't tended to it in ages since we haven't gotten around to working on that.) I plan to replant the whole thing...but just can't get that project going. I hope Baelin understands. He has to know that his Mommy and Daddy are horrid gardeners. We're sorry, baby. We will replant for you and you'll have a lovely garden again, you will.

I don't know what else to think or feel right now...I need to get back to Maeven and Tyren. Oh, here's a pic of Maeven I just took:

I had to put a current pic of her in here too...for those of you that haven't seen her in awhile. :)

I love you Baelin. I always will. And I'll always miss you.

Thinking of you, my sweet angel

2007-12-18T17:25:00.000-08:00

Mommy feels so bad because your garden has all gone to hell. But I WILL replant and rebuild it for you. I WILL! WE will.

I think of you so often...so much sadness still hurts my heart that I for the most part don't feel all day every day. But when I think of you, which is many days a week (not everyday anymore, but still often), I feel almost a physical weight in my chest and an almost lump in my throat. It makes me feel very much like "why me?" Why did this have to happen to me and my family? I wish it never happened...I wish I never had to have felt that pain. And I wish that for Adam and Maeven too. :(

I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you. You are not forgotten. Never forgotten. I am looking at your picture still often. Not every day...maybe not even every week. But often still.

I still hurt. I still wish it was different. I think I'm at the point now where I will always be. And I hate that. Its such a sad feeling. Just sad.

I AM happy for your brother Tyren...he's nearly 2 and a half now and a joy to us all (and a challenge as well!) And I remind myself that had you not gone, we wouldn't know Tyren. And I sometimes think about how there was someone that told me that Tyren IS you. I want to ask him. But it feels silly. And I still do not know if I believe that. Its just one of those things that I just don't know.

Anyway, I just wanted to post my feelings and that I'm thinking of you with sadness. I love you baby boy.

The Boy Who Can Fly

2006-09-12T18:09:00.000-07:00

This is me down at the bottom and I'm saying "wow" because I see Baelin my baby boy up sitting on the tree and he has wings and he's saying "Hi Maeven!"

The End

Maeven, age 5.5yrs

Tyren's Birth Story--A Happy C-Section, Believe it or not!

2005-07-12T07:55:00.000-07:00

Tyren Adam Smith (Baelin's baby brother)
Less than 2 hours old
Born 7/8/05--8lbs 8oz, 22in long

This was a post I sent out after Tyren was born...

well ladies, i made it! and even though it didn't go the way i had originally hoped...it really did go very well and i am happy with the way it turned out. tyren (pronounced TEER-en) is a healthy baby boy! born 8lbs 8oz, 22in long and healthy as a horse!

we did go in and get my waters broken since i was 10days post-date (that's the day that we had and lost baelin...things were getting too stressful to go any further) and we walked laps and did what we could for over 6 hours, trying to get labor started...but nothing really happened. so we went for a tiny bit of pitocin...first half hour nothing...then contractions went from 0-50 in like 20 min...OW! i couldn't take it. i just wanted my baby. dr said we'd let it work for about an hour and then he'd check and see if there was any progress. by the time he checked i was very much overwhelmed by it all and feeling like i just wanted out and was actually relieved when he said there was no progress from the last time he checked (i was still only about a 4, and -2 station)...i was seriously having deja-vu from maeven's birth, where i had a day and half of labor, major mondo contractions, only to end up c-section...i didn't want to go that route again...i didn't want to writhe in agony for hours and hours for little progress again...i think my emotions over baelin were definitely a factor. and there was still the fear of pushing tyren out and not knowing if he was fine until he was out. fearing it may be the wrong decision...sooooo...all this factored in and i just went with my gut. i just wanted my baby. i was totally fine with the c-section. i had made peace with the idea initially anyway, but once we reached this point with the contractions on top of each other just hitting me harder and harder with very little build up...i just couldn't cope...nor did i want to.

let me tell you this c-section was like nite and day from my last one. i didn't think it was possible to have a positive c-section, but i had one! the people were so kind and so awesome! my pediatrician was able to be there and it made such a difference to me that he was...i trusted that they weren't hurting or scaring my baby...i just trusted he was in good hands...wow, really good feeling. anesthesiologist was a sweetheart...wanted to know my special wishes and i told him i wanted to be alert and not strapped down and he said no problem...good to his word too. i coulda kissed him! nurses were sweeties too. really positive, happy mood in the air during the whole thing...joking and laughing and just so friendly. and everyone very concerned about me and how i was doing. it was wonderful.

baby's head was out first and he started gurgling and was that ever music to our ears! then suction and lots of crying and i just was so incredibly overjoyed to hear that that i didn't care so much that they didn't show him to me right away. it was a very different crying that he did compared to maeven...he actually calmed down when they took him over to clean him up (i credit our incredibly gentle ped for that). and i was getting blow by blow descriptions of everything from my ob and from my dh...describing all they could see...

then some interesting news...baby had the cord wrapped around his neck one time and had a "true knot" in it...doc said that the knot could have been bad news had i birthed vaginally...i asked our ped about that later and he agreed. it was kind of a relief...my doc was saying there's a reason for things...and that just made it all the more ok in my mind that i went for the c-section. not that i think it WOULD have been a disaster if he had been born with a knot, but just we already had all the other increased risks...i'm glad this didn't add to it...that could potentially have been even more scary if the knot had tightened and his oxygen had been cut off and dealing with all that...we needed a non-stressful birth...i think that's what we finally got. the nurse wanted to run tyren over to the nursery to weigh him after he was cleaned and get this...my dh stepped up! he walked over and told her that our last birth was a stillbirth and that i needed my baby with me...pediatrician and ob both jumped in and said the same thing in support of my dh and so they wrapped him up and brought him over to me...they were going to let me hold him but i couldn't figure out how to do it with the very little chest space that i had with the drape over me so they gave dh a chair and he sat right next to my head and held tyren right next to me so i could see him and touch him...stroke his face and talk to him and just feel so incredibly relieved...oh it is was so wonderful, mamas! he just looked around with a puzzled look on his face like "where the hell am i?" lol! i swear he looked like a little gnome for that first hour when his face was all swollen and squished together still...his eyes were so fat and squished tight that the ped had a dickens of a time checking them out, lol! but tyren was surprisingly calm during all this and i was so glad his daddy was holding him...

next they took tyren to the nursery briefly for a bath, which dh gave to him and stayed with him and held him the entire time...and i was done getting cleaned up and they took me to recovery where i sat waiting but not anxious or upset, just reveling in the joy of it all and really trusting that tyren was in good hands and knowing dh was with him and all was well. and a clear head! i didn't get groggy or sleepy, but actually was so alert and pumped up on adrenaline, i didn't feel like i had just had surgery! course i was still numb from the chest down, lol.

then i realized that my mom and family waiting probably didn't know what was going on so i asked if i could call them and they gave me a phone so i called my mom's cell and told them everything went perfect and that maeven now had a beautiful baby brother! i think they were surprised to hear from ME, lol, but i knew adam would be tied up with the baby and wouldn't be able to call and tell them and i didn't want to keep them on pins and needles any longer. then they brought the baby back and then adam fetched maeven from my mom downstairs and we spent a good 20 min trying to wake her up, lol. she finally woke up right around the time we went ahead and sent for the first grandma to come meet the baby...the recovery nurse was so cool, she said we could have visitors in there 2 at a time since no one else was in there. she was really kind. so maeven finally woke up and was allllllll smiles. so sweet. not very many pics of those first moments, sadly, since we didn't have our cameras in there, woops! but the grandmas got some pics. then my mom and brother came and adam's mom left and more oooohing and ahhhing and i was just so happy and just floating on a cloud that it was allllll good.

all this happened friday nite, tyren was born 11:08pm...adam and i finally decided not to send maeven home with nana to sleep but that it would be better for her if daddy took her home...good decision cuz she lost it when they left, realizing mommy wasn't coming... :( so the first nite was rough being me and baby alone and trying to juggle new nursing with sore mommy body and all that...but we managed...i didn't actually get much sleep of course, but it was all good cuz tyren was in a remarkably good mood, lol...he only cried to nurse and when he had a bubble...and not much really...and the rest of the time he just kept looking around at everything in such an odd way, like he was trying to figure out something, lol. we had some good conversations. :)

they finally let me go home on sunday...several people surprised that i wanted to go home so early. 2 nites was enough in that horrid hospital bed, thankyou! plus my dd was having a really really hard time without mommy and baby home.

having some rough adjustment now that we are home...but still happy overall...its all to be expected. :)

tyren is nursing well...although sore nipples abound as i'm having to relearn latching on a newborn...woops, been awhile...just got some lanolin today...hopefully that will help.

anyway, i'll have to get some pics up soon...i don't have any on my computer yet.

all in all i have to say it was a really positive experience and worth every minute of it! tyren is a doll and even though he's pissed at me right now cuz my milk hasn't come in fast enough for him (LOL!) he's really a sweetie and we are all doing well in the scheme of things, with only minor bumps that we all expected during this adjustment period (not the least of which, of course, is the lack of sleep factor.) more news later...i am shocked i was able to get this far, since tyren usually is squalling for me every 5min at least, lol!

41wks 1 day

2005-07-06T07:54:00.000-07:00

Oh God this sucks to the Nth degree. I had hoped to not reach this point...but here I am, "overdue" again. Last time, with Baelin, we didn't think much about it...but this time, BECAUSE of Baelin...its all different. My OB has been wonderful...giving us more time to sort things out...Not breathing down our neck or pressuring us into anything he knows we don't want. I agreed to getting my membranes stripped last Friday...first by the dr...after going on antibiotics first because I read (the day before I was going in, fully prepared to be stripped and then stumbled across this warning for Strep B positive mamas) that strep b can be introduced early into the uterus with stripping and can cause infection early, including stillbirth. Scared the life outta me so we talked to the doctor about it and we came up with a compromise...putting me on antibiotics on Thursday and stripping the membranes on Friday. I felt much better (emotionally) after being on the antibiotics...So we did that (hurt like HELL! But doable...labor is still worse)...and I went from barely 1cm on Thursday to a little over 2 on Friday to 3 on Saturday (Jacque came and checked and also stripped me gently again) and then Monday when Jacque checked and stripped me again i was going on 4cm! Also had lost my plug! Good progress, even if slow...Both my other pregnancies I never reached this far until I had been in painful labor for hours! Even Baelin's birth--I was about a 3 or 4 when Roger came and gave me a massage and that got me opened up to an 8 or so...So things are progressing interestingly this time. Being already close to 4cm and no real painful contractions yet.

Dr's appt yesterday and he concurred I am at least a 3, going on 4. (Surprised the heck outta him too!) Stripped my membranes again and STILL no active labor! ARGH! I've been on evening primrose oil for weeks now...even been inserting it lately...going to get some castor oil today (although I'm not going to drink it like most people do...Jacque says it can also work by rubbing it on my belly, without the diarrhea and nausea.) And I'm going to try to remember to call my homeopathic dr and get some advice from him on homeopathic remedies and see if that might help. I haven't tried any yet cuz I really didn't want to "DO" things to get this going (although I've done a few)...but we are reaching a critical point now. Tomorrow I have another appt with the doc and I will probably be faced with checking into the hospital and having my water broken...at which point there's no turning back and it could very well lead to a c-section. *sigh* What I've been trying with all my might to avoid.

Yesterday we had an NST and an AFI at the hospital (non stress test, to check baby's heart beat, and ultrasound to check amniotic fluid level.) Passed both with flying colors! Baby's fine. Very good to know.

And now I'm feeling pressure to "DO" something. And I'm feeling that my motives are being questioned, again. For some reason some people seem to think I think of myself more than my child when it comes to birth. That its all about a birth experience for me, and not the baby. Ouch. In reality its ALL about the baby...I've done the research, I know in my heart, despite what happened to Baelin, that a natural, gentle birth is what's best for all babies (barring any actual known emergencies...We have yet to have anything happen yet to warn us anything is wrong with this baby...Just the perceived danger because his brother died...But these are 2 totally different children, totally different pregnancies, totally different births.) And a c-section is not the safest birth possible. Sure it would be an easy way to end this emotional hell we are all in right now...but its NOT the safest option, by far!

My doctor (and I LOVE this guy, don't get me wrong...he's wonderful!) has repeatedly told us, probably in an effort to ease our minds about the procedure, that research shows that modern c-sections and modern vaginal births are about equal for infant and maternal morbidity. But when I asked him if the vaginal births included only natural births or included interventive births he admitted that included interventive...so....Here's my take on that research...I don't see it as c-sections becoming safer, but that vaginal births are getting more dangerous...because of all the unnecessary interventions and the dramatic affects they can have on babies and moms. Its all a matter of perspective. I can see how a surgeon would look at that research and see it as a plus for the surgery side...but as a mom who's gone through the surgery before and knowing what I know about birth...Totally different. Natural birth, barring any actual emergencies, will always be safer. And anyone using my son's death as an example that natural birth is unsafe is an uneducated moron. I'm sorry, I'm in that kind of a mood right now...Natural births have been done for thousands of years and our bodies were designed for them. To suggest that something's unsafe about them is to say that God screwed up, and man knows better. I don't buy it. Baelin was a sad sad fluke. Something was wrong with him, not the birth. We don't know what...but there was something wrong because babies are DESIGNED to be born vaginally!

Anyway, I so don't need to be feeling judged by people with their own agendas right now...I mean, I know we all want the same thing, a healthy, living baby...but making me feel like I'm being selfish for wanting my child to have the gentlest, safest, birth possible, (particularly without having done the research to know what I know about the alternatives...) Just not helpful nor needed. The negative energy coming from this is really detrimental to me at a time I need to relax and encourage this baby to come out.

I will consent to major abdominal surgery if it becomes evident that that is in the best interest of this baby. But right now I don't buy it. There are soooo many things that can go wrong in any surgery...not the least of which is dead mom and/or dead baby. Just because its being done all the time doesn't make it safe, nor does it make it the right thing to do. I want my baby alive and well and I want ME alive and well. For both of my children.

This whole situation is so friggin wrong...Birth isn't supposed to be this complicated! This is just so amazingly difficult in that it goes against my whole belief system in so many ways...and yet because of Baelin dying, I am forced to do things I never would have ever been ok with before...I've already consented to interventions that I felt were the least of my worries, in hopes to kick start things...and am still trying to go with the LEAST scary options...But right now its looking more and more like everyone and everything is against me and I'm heading towards that damned operating table again. Now that I'm seriously facing that, its really scaring the life outta me. Before I was just like "whatever, just give me my baby"...and I do still feel that in a sense...but now that it is becoming a very likely reality...Makes me want to run and hide and say "NOOOOOOOOOO!" I've been trying all along to REDUCE the risks in this pregnancy...and now I'm being told to go for the ultimate risk? UGH! This sucks so much and I so just want to be OUT of this, with my baby in my arms!!

39wks 4 days

2005-06-25T07:52:00.000-07:00

Well I could really go any day now and the nervousness is starting...Jacque was here last nite (she's our doula for this birth...she was our midwife for Baelin's birth), and says baby is back down LOW again (he had been very low then came back up again and has been rolling around for weeks now, not settling into any position)...head down, facing my left hip as of last nite. Hope he stays there! Since I found out he was posterior ("sunnyside up", facing straight out of my belly, one of the worst positions because it means the biggest part of his head is entering the birth canal and its very hard to get him down that way...which is what happened with Maeven and at least part of why she ended up a c-section, cuz no one bothered to check her position to see if she was in the right position to drop, so she never dropped...she could have been shifted if only someone had bothered to LOOK!) I have been doing all kinds of exercises I read about here, to turn him and it seems to be finally working...now if I can just get him to stay in the right position! This little guy just moves around so much! Not so much the last couple days though. So hopefully he'll stay put now.

After my last entry Adam and I talked about the issues I had regarding labor and family...and he brought to my attention that he really needs his own support there so we are discussing some compromises to my original wishes. And I am not feeling so intensely against anyone and everyone not being there now...although I still don't need or want the hovering during labor (I prefer no one to witness me in labor/birth other than those essential people--husband, doctor, doula...ugh, what a vulnerable time) and I still want the bonding period with just the 4 of us. But I think I could handle one or 2 people in the waiting room for Adam during labor if it gives him comfort. Its not all entirely about me, I know that. I'm not a completely insensitive person. :( Sometimes it may appear that way but I'm just an intense person who never feels anything small. Never. Everything is always big for me and that's just who I am. Who I always have been. But I'm not stupid nor do I NOT care about my husband's and other's feelings. I do, they just get shadowed by my own intense feelings often and its harder for me to see them. Particularly in this whole situation.

Boy, I tell ya, I'm so dang sick of the whole pregnancy and birthing situation that I would probably be just fine if we never go through any of this ever again. Two is enough, I think (but then talk to me again in a couple years when I get that baby fever again, LOL!) This experience has been so completely different than the last one for so many many reasons...I hate that I have to think about so many things that I didn't have to deal with with my homebirth. Hospital births are way too complicated. I had to re-educate myself on all the procedures that I will need to ward off or agree to...To make a detailed birth plan to explain exactly what I'm expecting and wanting for this birth...otherwise they would just steam roll over me with the standard procedures that just make birth an assembly line experience...all the interventions that most often are just not needed. All the crap I had with Maeven that I didn't want and still ended up having since we weren't educated enough on it all (I thought we were...but those hospital birthing classes just don't prepare you for it all...they mostly prepare you to be a good, consenting patient, ugh. And look what it got me...an unnecessary c-section...UGH!) So different from my birth with Baelin where I didn't need to write up a plan because I got intensely personal, wonderful, care from my midwife who took the time to regularly sit with both Adam and I and really learn what it is that we wanted out of the experience. Not to mention the vast majority of the procedures I have to deal with at a hospital birth are just not done at home (which is why the appeal of home!) Ugh, I'm just so tired of reading and researching and refreshing my memory on all this stuff and preparing myself and my birth plan to express my wishes. It makes me angry that I have to do this. If more women educated themselves and prepared fully for a hospital birth then it wouldn't be so hard for those of us that don't just agree to all the unnecessary things they want to do...we wouldn't be the "weird" ones. ARGH! But no, my friends and I are not the norm...education apparently isn't something that is very common amongst pregnant mamas cuz I keep running into people that are surprised by all I know. Thank God I have a doctor who actually appreciates it, though. He actually told me that I'm probably the most educated mom he's met. That's really sad to me. I'm not THAT educated...I don't know it all...I'm not reading medical books...nor spending every waking moment on the topic...I just read a lot of books and info on the internet from repudable sources and talk to a lot of people who really know this stuff. And ask LOTS of questions. I just don't believe in doing anything this big without first knowing what I'm getting into. Its way too important.

4 weeks to go

2005-05-29T07:50:00.000-07:00

About 4 weeks to go til this baby's official due date (whatever that really means, lol!) and sooooo many emotions are coming up. The fact that we've never had a non-traumatic birth experience is definitely relevant...but surprisingly, right now, Maeven's birth trauma seems to be coming to the surface for me, more than Baelin's.

Adam and I have been going round and round about what to do at the hospital as far as family coming during labor or after the baby is born. Ever the kind-hearted soul, Adam doesn't want anyone's feelings to be hurt...but I tell ya, I have such raw feelings about the whole thing that I really had to push the issue and make it known what I am feeling with all my heart right now.

Some people like lots of people being around for their labor and births...I do NOT. Never have, not at all. I only want Adam and Jacque there...and of course the doctor to catch. Yes, I think I said before, we are doing this one in the hospital...just too many emotions to deal with at home...but I could go on and on about how I feel like I'm giving fuel to the anti-homebirth people by doing this and how much I HATE that...and feeling like people in our lives will use our example as a reason why homebirth is unsafe, which it isn't, and blame it on the homebirth....ay yi yi, it hurts my head to go there...I know in my heart Baelin would most likely have died no matter where he had been born...but I just cannot bring myself to put my husband, nor I, through another homebirth regardless. I know hundreds of happy ending stories for homebirths....ours, sadly, just wasn't one of them. (Here's a bit of irony...babies die during hospital births WAY more than at home...I've heard so many many stories since losing Baelin...and I'm the only one that lost my little one at home out of all the stories I've heard...and yet I don't hear people around the hospital deaths saying they shouldn't birth in the hospital anymore...*sigh*) Anyway, I digress...

The point is that I don't like people hovering over me during labor...even if they are just in another room...I know they're there and the energy of expectance is still felt...I had this to the nth degree with Maeven's birth...and at the time I was mostly oblivious to it, being caught up in my first-time labor...but not now...not after all I went through with Maeven's birth, and not after Baelin's birth...The thought of people hanging out waiting for me to have this baby just makes me so extremely uncomfortable right now...And anyway I just don't see the point in friends and family camping out at the hospital while I'm in labor...I honestly really think it will hinder my labor. And its not like I'm picking out certain people...I don't even want my OWN parents there! And I'm very close with my parents!

After having gone through all we have gone through with both of our children so far...birthwise...I just feel no comfort whatsoever in having people there. Not even in another room. I can't really explain it completely...I just really want them to stay home and let us call when he's here. But first Maeven. Maeven is to meet her brother before anyone else meets him!

Then there's the next issue of when to let family come see him...

I got NO time immediately after birth to bond with Maeven or, obviously, Baelin. NONE. We've never had that opportunity and this time around it has become so incredibly important to me that I feel like I am fighting for my life to get it. Its important to know, I think, my memories of Maeven's birth regarding this...this is something that continues to haunt me and has come up to the surface in a major way just recently. It may not be entirely accurate to what actually happened...but its how I remember it all...

You can read Maeven's whole horrible birth story here...but here's the condensed version of what happened after she was out...with a little bit different perspective years later and after another traumatic birth and much time to process everything...from the mommy's point of view...

Maeven was a c-section...and as such we were told that it was standard procedure for c-section babies to go to the nursery for 2hours after birth for observation. We didn't have the strength or the knowledge at the time to fight this. I have since learned this is a load of crap and they can just as easily observe the baby WITH the mommy...but we didn't know that at the time...So this is what I remember of those first moments:
I'm strapped to a table, both arms tied down in a crucifixion position...exhausted after 35.5hours of labor with way too many interventions, none of which I wanted, and they cut my baby out of me and tell me she's a girl and bring her to me for a brief second to look at...very very brief holding her up to my face then back to the warmer to get cleaned up...I send Adam to be with her because I don't want her alone and I sense he doesn't know if he should leave me...I want him to be with her so I tell him to go with her...Then I'm lying there listening to her scream while they clean her/measure her/whatever...I can't move, can't see anything (even if the curtain wasn't over my abdomen blocking my view I couldn't have seen because I didn't have my glasses on...not to mention that I suspect the anesthesiologist injected something into my IV that really doped me up and made it darn near impossible to stay awake, right after Maeven was out so its sorta all a blur). This was my first moment as a mommy...and I felt it to my very core...I was screaming in my head "STOP, you're scaring her! Can't you tell that you're scaring her? Please just bring her to me!! She needs her mama! Just let me hold my baby!!" That was such an intense moment. I remember that feeling vividly. But being a good little patient, I said nothing. *groan* And once they were done cleaning her up the nurse swooped her over to me one more time...this time a little closer so I could kiss her cheek...I really don't remember much of what she looked like, it was so brief and I was in such a haze with all the drugs and all that I had already gone through and the wonderful realization that I was finally a mama, something I've yearned to be my whole life...Its all so fuzzy except the intense emotions of the moment. Then she was gone and I was fighting to stay awake til I could see her again.

I suspect that I fell asleep here and there...its all very fuzzy and there are gaps in my memory...Of course they stitched me up and sent me back to my room...I remember Sara (my doula) trying to show me the video footage of Maeven in the nursery, on the camera, but I just couldn't focus on the camera, I was way too doped up. Next thing I remember I'm in another room, post partum I guess...and I'm fighting like mad to stay awake cuz I just want my baby...I just want to look at her and hold her! I called a friend to talk to on the phone while I waited...I was all alone for I don't know how much time...but somewhere around 2 hours after she was out they finally let Adam wheel her in to me.

Now here's what gets me...I found out much later what happened during all this time...Adam was in the nursery with her and she was screaming her head off (oh yes, she's still a screamer)...and he told me the minute he touched her she calmed down but the nurses told him to stop because she "needs to cry"... OH - MY - GOD!!!! This is the biggest load of crap I've ever heard!! This is so totally wrong and I won't even go into all the stuff I've read about WHY this is wrong...lets move on to the next part that gets me...

I have a picture of Maeven's grandmas oogling her...proud proud grandmas touching and cooing and talking to my child while I am in the other room, alone, with my gut stitched back together, drugged up and fighting like hell to stay awake and every fiber of my being yearning to be with my baby!! I'm NOT mad at the grandmas for this...no no no...I'm mad at the dang hospital policy and myself for not fighting it! Its sooooo wrong... It was all so wrong...There's pictures and video footage of my husband's father and girlfriend oogling the baby through the nursery window and following Adam down the hall, oogling the baby as he wheels her to me...There's the nurses and all that they did with her...and the fact that ALL these people got to spend those precious first 2 hours with MY child while I, the mother who carried her for 9 months and suffered through the excrutiating labor and had her ripped from my body...had to lay in intense emotional distress in the other room, without my child!!! Waiting waiting waiting...the hardest wait of my life!

Fast forward to Baelin's birth, which was so beautiful until it became apparent that he wasn't breathing...Everything about the labor and delivery was mostly perfect (I've learned that the heart decelerations he had are quite common in the pushing stage) and pushing him out was so incredibly empowering...and then I didn't even get to touch him. All I could do was sit back and watch the resucitation attempts and then all the emergency people filling my house..then he was gone...whisked away in an ambulance and I didn't see him again until much later....they brought me into the hospital and Adam met me in the hallway and tearfully confirmed Baelin was dead...and holding him finally, a bit later after that, but not really wanting to because it was all so bizarre and sad and gut-wrenching...

This is what brings me to this baby's birth. Things are going to be so very different. One way or the other. Vaginal or c-section (I seriously feel I will VBAC again no problem...but honestly I just want my child, so I'm prepared for anything, just give me my child.) I am so determined that no one is going to take away those precious first hours from me again! I never got to bond with either of my children immediately following birth. They were both ripped from me. Maeven through "procedure" and Baelin through death. All I want is to be able to be alone...Adam, Maeven, and I, with our new little guy...for as long as we feel we need...to bond with him for those first moments and not have people lining up at the door, waiting to catch a peek of him.

OH I will definitely want to show him off, that's for sure! And I am not at all wanting to ban anyone from coming to see him for any serious length of time...and I know that all who suffered with us through the loss of our sweet baby Baelin are wounded on some level by his loss as well...and are just as hopeful as we are to get to know this little guy...But I just want those first moments to be respectfully sacred between just the mommy, daddy, and new big sister and little brother. I don't want us to be on display until we get to have that special time that we've never had before. Right now I'm thinking an hour or 2 but honestly it could be shorter or longer, I have NO idea...I've never gotten this opportunity before and I just want everyone to stay home til we call and say to come see him. I really don't think I'm asking too much and I seriously think most everyone will understand. I hope they do. Its so important to me to have that time...whatever the length.

Of course Adam will call and tell everyone the news, when there is news...but I don't think I'm asking too much that people just wait til we give the word to come. Am I?

Baelin's Birthday

2005-04-17T07:48:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning thinking about Baelin. My sweet precious angel baby. And I immediately was reminded of my current precious little boy as well and had to lay in bed on my back to get him to kick me (he's just like his brother...he hates me being on my back, lol) so I could feel him and know he was alive and kicking. Just a silly little thing, but it was really comforting to feel his little kick.

Its interesting that Baelin's birthday should come at a time when I personally am feeling very at peace about losing him. Not that I don't miss him and not that I don't still grieve him...I will always miss him and grieve for him. But being pregnant again has finally helped me move on in my grief and not stay stuck in a cycle of sadness that is so hard to get out of. I have other children to think of...they need me to be their mommy too.

This morning and a few days leading up to today has been the first time in awhile that I've felt really sad about Baelin. I've been super busy planning the BabyFest, so that is definitely part of it...but I think it has more to do with allowing myself to rejoice, finally, in the life of this little one inside me now. I spent the entire first trimester absolutely terrified that I would miscarry. Having miscarried before, it was a very real reality to me. Particularly after having only lost Baelin 6months before getting pregnant again...the combination of having suffered both an early miscarriage (this was before Maeven) and a recent stillbirth just was beyond terrifying in the beginning of this pregnancy. But we made it through it and this little guy hung in there. Then most of the 2nd trimester was filled with so many emotions over being pregnant again and being scared to reach the 3rd trimester and the pending birth, where I really felt I would, understandably, just freak over all the fear and overwhelming emotions that would evoke. I was an emotional wreck for quite awhile. Stressed about everything...I felt like I was on edge constantly...constantly emotional...everything set me off, everything added to my stress, everything was beyond overwhelming and I was exhausted.

Then something happened...and I really don't know that it was one thing...it was kind of gradual and yet not...strange to explain. I don't know exactly what caused my feelings to change...I had heard repeatedly from people around what I "needed" to do...how I needed to slow down, how I needed to enjoy this baby and let him feel my love for him, and how I just needed to let things go...but hearing it and internalizing it are 2 entirely different things. And it only started to get on my nerves to repeatedly have people telling me what I NEEDED to do. Its easier said than done. And until I come to that point on my own, no one can talk me into doing or feeling what I NEED to do and feel. Like I said, I don't know that it was any one thing that made the change...but I know one thing that definitely helped. It was listening to a labor/delivery nurse that came to talk to our Angel Babies group. I go to a monthly group for women pregnant after the loss of a baby and about 2 months ago they had a really fantastic nurse come and talk to us about how to handle birth after a loss. She's a very special lady. One thing she said that really struck me...even though I already knew it, but it just really hit me and sunk in this time...was that my fears and emotions could actually hinder and even stop my labor. Of course my first thinking is "How in the HELL can I NOT be scared shitless at this next birth, considering that the last time my baby was born dead?" But then I remembered that I do have some say in how I act and feel...its not entirely out of my control...I can control my thoughts and my feelings go along with my thoughts. As my dad has always told me..."If you think the worst, the worst will happen." Really hit me hard all of a sudden. Its basically what everyone had been telling me but I wasn't ready yet to grasp it until this wonderful woman was talking to us about relaxation techniques and ways to calm our fears during labor so as to let go and just let the birth happen as it will happen.

At that point I came to a realization...I have been anticipating this baby to die as well, because I tend to try to prepare myself for the worst, just in case. For some reason I have this notion in my head that if the worst does actually happen, that it will be easier if I had been anticipating it all along. WRONG. I already know what it feels like to lose a child, and even though I never anticipated it with Baelin, I know in my heart that anticipating it to happen again actually WON'T make it any easier if it did happen. On the other hand...Expecting him to live and anticipating a happy ending has so many positive ramifications. I can send positive energy to my child now, and let him feel the love I feel for him and in so doing lift the constant stress I feel over waiting for the next shoe to drop. And most importantly, I can envision the positive birth that I want for this baby and possibly even affect the outcome in a positive way by enabling myself to relax and let it happen.

Once this realization flowed through me, (coupled with dropping one of my many things that I had on my plate), I was able to finally feel a lifting of the heavy stress and fear that I had been under. And I've been actually anticipating this baby with joy and excitement rather than fear. I have been able to rub my belly again and talk to him and tell him that I love him and that I can't wait to meet him and that when he comes out he has to BREATHE. I tell him this all the time. And its as if a fog has lifted. I feel almost normal again.

There will always be a residual sadness and pain over losing our precious Baelin. He will never be forgotten. And today we will remember him and talk about him and plant more flowers for him and work on his garden and enjoy remembering the special little being that he was...and cry about him as well...But his death has also given me the strength to truly appreciate the life within me now and I will never forget that again.

Happy Birthday Baelin...We love you SOOOOOO much!!

Another update

2004-12-21T07:46:00.000-08:00

I wrote the last entry on a Friday, and by Sunday I felt back to "normal" again. Thank heavens. Apparently that was just a horrific week for me, emotionally. I just wasn't coping very well. Writing about it here really helped me get it out and move on again. And now, here I am only a few days before Xmas and even though I wouldn't say that I'm joyful over the holiday, I do feel pretty calm and actually looking forward to some of the aspects of the holiday...mainly seeing Maeven and Adam open their gifts.

We had been talking about skipping our huge family Xmas and just going to the mountains to get away from everything and celebrate just the 3 of us, taking Maeven to the snow for the first time...but decided against that...originally for monetary reasons, but then at the last minute Adam talked to his boss and he said he'd pay for us to go...but I really wasn't feeling that gut wrenching feeling of not being able to cope with all the people on Xmas anymore...and Adam was back to wanting to be with his family. I went round and round for awhile, resenting the decision being on my shoulders and feeling the bad guy for threatening to break up the family...but then it just wasn't an issue anymore. I just didn't care so much anymore, so we came to a compromise which I feel pretty good about now. We're having people over here, to our house, this year. Usually we do his dad Xmas eve, then my dad's Xmas eve church service...then Xmas day we open our presents here and then run to my folks' house to open gifts with them and my brother, then down to Adam's mom's (30min away) to do the rest of his family....quite a marathon and I still don't feel up to all that this year...so it was a nice compromise to stay here and have anyone who wants to see us come here.

I'm still a bit stressed about getting the house ready and not entirely looking forward to all the numbers of people being here...but at the same time i'm very comforted to be in my own home and I know that I can just go into my bedroom or office to get away from it all if I need to. And I don't want to deprive Adam or Maeven of this.

As far as missing Baelin...it hasn't been first and foremost recently...probably because I've simply been too dang busy getting ready for the holiday...but I know its possible I might crash again soon, so I'm just allowing myself to realize that and just going to let whatever flow, flow. If it happens when Adam's family is here, I'll probably just go into another room and cry by myself and that will probably make me feel better. It usually does. Or I might come and write something here or in my journal. Writing always helps me.

Now, we are still going away, but we are doing it the day AFTER Xmas now. Adam's boss was so super kind and after I spent hours on the net yesterday trying to find a cabin or hotel room available at Shaver Lake for Sunday, Dec 27 (had one rude travel agent actually LAUGH at me when I asked...argh!) I finally found one that was available...we really lucked out! So we are going up there the day after Xmas, playing in the snow, staying the night, playing in the snow some more the next day, and then coming home. Its really something I'm looking forward to!

Now for Xmas here...we've done a few things to include Baelin...When Adam was putting up the lights, he strung them all around Baelin's little area on the hutch by the tree, where we have his momentos and pictures...he really wanted to include him in the decorations and it looks very pretty. We also recently made ceramic ornaments in memory of Baelin with our AngelBabies support group. I think we'll probably do that every year now. I really like including him like that. And we got the idea to get a stocking for Baelin and fill it with letters and pictures for him...save them in a box maybe, after Xmas...I think Maeven will really get into that...so I'm going to go find a temporary stocking for him...I'll eventually make him a cross-stitch one for him like everyone else's, but right now I'm still working on Maeven's (and that could take me years to finish, if history is any example of how long it takes me to do them, argh! LOL!)

Now an update on the Baelin info...I took Baelin's xrays to Dr. Kratzer (our pediatrician) last week to give them a look over. Waiting to hear from him on that, but yesterday at my OB appt, Dr. Mason (ob) told me he ran into Dr. K over the weekend and that he concurs with Dr. Curry (geneticist) on Baelin not having anything wrong with his bones...since this was after I gave him the xrays, I guess I already know now what he's going to say! :)

Also talked to the coroner's office, the deputy coroner, yesterday and found that they are the ones who have the placenta report. Dr. Curry wanted to look at that, but both her office and Dr. Mason's office were unable to find the report and were concluding that one was never made...which was really pissing me off because I was thinking "how can you have a stillbirth and not do a thorough examination of the placenta???" But when I asked Kelly (coroner's office) about it, she said that Dr. Gopal (coroner) had done the examination of it and that the report was there...so they are to ask for it after Xmas, when the coroner comes back. So that's settled, but I'm guessing there's nothing new to be found there, because I'm sure he would have mentioned already if he had seen anything in the placenta that suggested why Baelin died.

And lastly, about this pregnancy...I'm now 13weeks (today!) and so glad to have made it to the 2nd trimester! Feeling myself relaxing a little about it. Especially now that we don't have anything to worry about as far as that nasty bone disorder. Heard the baby's heartbeat yesterday so that was comforting...and finally feel my belly pooking out beyond my own pooch. Well, just hardening up mostly...nice to get rid of the main jiggle for awhile, though, lol! Been feeling occasional, very light movements off and on for a couple weeks...nice to be able to say for sure this time cuz I do know what it feels like so there's no doubt in my mind this time. Its comforting to finally have some signs of being pregnant...the darn first trimester was remarkably uneventful! What I wouldn't have given for a little morning sickness (nope, not one tiny bit did I get...very weird, I had a pretty constant low grade nausea throughout my other 3 pregnancies, but not a single minute of it this time) just to be comforted that I really was pregnant! But I guess I should just feel lucky. The only regular sign I had the entire 13 wks was frequent migraines....and earlier on I was very sleepy and tired, but that's long since gone away. Weird. This pregnancy has proven to be VERY different than my others.

We discussed at length yesterday with Dr. Mason what the new news of not knowing cause of death from Baelin would mean to this pregnancy and delivery. Since we have no idea why Baelin died, and since he did die, this of course means that we are wanting to be extra cautious next time. I still feel strongly that the homebirth had nothing to do with his death...and Dr. Mason says the same thing...these things happen in the hospital all the time...actually they happen MORE frequently in the hospital...but no one says "see, the baby died, so hospital births must be dangerous." So I think it would be ridiculous and uneducated, given that a thorough investigation has been done by multiple experts and not one of them can say why Baelin died, I think it would be so wrong to point the finger at the homebirth. And Jacque has done literally HUNDREDS & HUNDREDS of births in over 30years and is greatly respected throughout our local community, including by the very best OBs in town (including mine)...and in all her births she has frequently had decels (heart decelerations) just like Baelin's, even had them worse than Baelin's, and the baby is fine. I'm told by those who know that decels are normal for when the baby's skull is compressing and he/she is passing through the birth canal...so I don't at all think that there was anything that Jacque missed nor that she could have possibly known that something different should have been done. My birth with Baelin was so completely normal in so many ways...no one had any way of knowing the outcome would be so different.

Having said all that...we are definitely not doing another homebirth. Too many emotions involved, and given our recent history. I still am 100% supportive of homebirths...and I know that the vast majority of people choosing them are doing so because they have educated themselves fully and know that for normal, healthy births, with well trained and experienced midwives, you truly are safer at home, away from all the interventions and assembly line birthing. Whether or not a couple FEELS safe there, is another story. (I fully believe a woman should birth where she feels safest, of course.) Statistically, its simply safer at home, for normal births. I've done the research, I know this to be true. (There are SIGNIFICANTLY less complications and especially deaths that happen at home compared to all the highly tampered-with births in the hospital). And I know a LOT of people (hundreds if you count online friends...but tons of local friends as well) that have had wonderful homebirth experiences. Heck, in the hundreds and hundreds of births our midwife has done, we're the ONLY one (in over 30 years) that she's EVER lost! But we did not have a normal birth, obviously.

Anyway, Dr. Mason said if it was his choice, he would prefer me to have a scheduled c-section at 39 weeks. To cut back on any possible risks, since we just don't know what caused Baelin's death. But he also said that if I want to attempt another vbac, he is ok with that. He's completely left it up to us, and I really appreciate that. I told him that I don't want to make any decisions right now. We'll wait til we are closer to the birth.

I did tell him, though, that right now there are only 2 options that I will consider: 1. Another all-natural vbac, with no interventions, drugs, whatsoever...except for the fetal monitoring, which I expect and understand will be necessary this time. I don't want anything increasing my risks, period. So I will not even discuss pitocin, epidural, or any other interventions. I know the risks, and they are not worth it to me. I've done it without anything before, and I can do it again. And option 2. C-section, either emergency or scheduled. I am leaning towards giving labor a try and see how the baby and I fare. We could always do a c-section if one of us isn't handling it well. I don't know how my emotions over Baelin might affect the next labor, so I'm not ruling out the possibility that it might hinder labor. But I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of a scheduled c-section. It just goes against everything I believe in and is not without risks. And it just seems so very wrong to choose your child's birthday. I did tell him, though, that if I did opt for a c-section, scheduled or emergency, that I want it on my terms. There are 3 things that I do NOT want to have happen this time and he has agreed, bless him.

1. I do NOT want to be strapped down in the Jesus crusifixion stance. I want at least one arm free.

2. I do NOT want to be injected with whatever they injected in me after Maeven was out that caused me to be loopy and fight to stay awake. I want to be alert and coherent.

3. MOST IMPORTANTLY, I do NOT, unless there is a REAL emergency, I do NOT want my baby taken away from me! I know it is possible to have your baby put immediately to the breast after a c-section and kept skin-to-skin with mom, and that's what I want. I know its been done locally, so I'm not asking for something totally bizarre. I told him that I know the baby needs to be observed after a c-section, but I want the baby observed WITH me, not away from me. With Maeven, they took her away for 2 hours and wouldn't let Adam hold her or comfort her...he was told she had to cry to get the fluid from her lungs...I've since learned this is a bunch of crap! That is so unnecessary for babies to go through and I will NOT allow another child of mine subjected to that abuse! If for some reason they need to do something with me and I cannot be with the baby, I want Adam to hold him/her the entire time (skin to skin if possible) until I am able to do so again.

My doctor knows how traumatized I was having to wait 2 hours to hold Maeven and how I still feel horrible about that being done to her...and that now, after having lost Baelin, I just really don't think I could handle another child taken from me...He has agreed we can work something out. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let anyone forget this was agreed upon.

Thank heavens I have a wonderful OB. He really is wonderful. So caring and understanding. I am so glad to have found him. He really seemed to understand as I talked to him about all this.

Well, so that's it for now. I have Xmas shopping to do. I wanted to get this updated and up, and now I have! More to come, of course.

A devastating ending to a hellish week

2004-12-03T07:41:00.000-08:00

This is going to be long...because I am in dire need of something, anything, to make sense of what's just happened.

The coroner was wrong.

Adam and I met with the geneticist today and she looked at Baelin's xrays and took them to a pediatric pathologist and they both said that Baelin looked perfectly normal. He did not have any indication of osteopetrosis and his bones were normal.

So we're back to square one. Not knowing why our baby died.

Someone catch me please, I'm falling.

Dr. Curry, the geneticist, says that coroners are trained to deal with adults, not infants. She said the xrays were not clear and the coroner misread them. She said his bones were normal, and his skull did not "crush" until AFTER he died...that that is what happens to babies that die right after being born. Their skulls collapse. She said that it had nothing to do with his birth and everything to do with the amount of time from his death til they took him to the coroner where the xrays were done. The longer the time, the more "crushed" it would look. Someone who knows infant pathology would know this and obviously the coroner did not.

What does this mean? On the bright side, this means that I do not have to worry about a "rare genetic bone disorder" for the baby I'm now carrying. Oh, I'm pregnant again. 10.5wks...due early July. Its going to be a bumpy ride.

But is this something that comforts me right now? Very little.

What this means to me right now is that my whole world has just been ripped apart, yet again....It means that the answer to our son's death which had comforted me so much and given me an ANSWER to the "WHY???" of his death, has been taken from me.

And its highly likely we'll never know why he died.--Dr. Curry is going to look for the records about the placenta, if they exist and what they say, but doesn't really expect to find anything that will give us any answers. She feels this will probably go unanswered. There has been NOTHING that has given them any indication of why he died.

As the doctor was relaying this information to us and it was sinking in what she was saying...I could feel my whole world shattering again into a million pieces.

Stop the world, I want to get off.

This week has been a living hell. This YEAR has been a living hell. But this week has been beyond belief. I've been crying more this week than I have since Baelin died.

It started with the realization of just how overwhelming the holidays are to me now. I dreaded Thanksgiving. As we drove down to Adam's mom's house I could feel my sense of dread and sadness growing to epic proportions. When we drove up and parked in her driveway, my parents and brother parked just behind us and everyone preparing to unload and go in...Adam noticed the look on my face and asked what was wrong....I said....

"He's supposed to be here."

and started to choke back my tears...I wanted to be alone with my grief, but instead I had to immediately choke it all back and swallow it all down because I really can't cry in front of people I don't feel close with. Its hard enough in front of those I AM close with. Adam is probably the only one I feel truly comfortable crying in front of...and Maeven. And Adam couldn't even respond at that moment the way he normally does. Instead, my feelings got brushed aside as we all went in to do the family thing. It was just bad timing. Too bad grief doesn't understand timing.

So I sucked it up, put on a sorta neutral face (I am not very good at fake happiness, but I did manage to distract myself eventually) and did the chaos of a large family holiday that used to be something I thoroughly enjoyed...something I looked forward to after the small, peaceful holidays my small family always had growing up....it used to be exciting, the craziness of it all, with all those people...marrying into a large family, you get large holidays....But this year this chaos makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out. Its a feeling that is so completely overwhelming that its hard to put into words...but its completely enveloping me this holiday season. Making my world black and lifeless and fills me with dread. I just want to grieve my son. I'm not done yet.

I feel my personality irrevocably changed since Baelin's death...Who am I now? I don't even know anymore. I'm a stranger to myself.

So, early this week, after seeing Xmas commercial after Xmas commercial on tv...it occurred to me that xmas was coming (duh!)...and what that meant. Thanksgiving times 4. I don't even really know what brought this realization on...I'm sure hormones had much to do with it...I've been deeply depressed lately...but I found myself reduced to a hysterical crying mess sobbing out to Adam how I just canNOT do the Xmas marathon and chaos this year! There's something about the holidays that brings grief on hard and strong...in realizing this was supposed to be Baelin's first Christmas, and feeling that deep, profound sense of someone missing...Its like someone hit rewind and I'm right back where I started with my grief...back to that sharp, deep, mind-numbing pain...back full force...and it is only compounded for me by knowing I would have to be suffering these feelings in a room full of people I do not feel comfortable sharing with. Which makes me feel all alone.

I don't want to have to put on a stupid fake face and try to pretend to be happy. And I don't want to ruin everyone else's holiday. I don't want to be the one who takes the son and brother and uncle and grandchild and cousin and niece away from the family for the holidays and makes everyone feel hostile towards me...but what I'm feeling right now is so deep and so intense that it has every fiber in my being wanting to be only where I feel safe and comforted...and only with the 2 most important people in the world to me (Adam & Maeven). I need to be where I can cry if I need to cry.

Yes, I'm having a pity party, yes I'm wallowing in it and no, I don't care if that's wrong or not. It is what it is and this is where I'm at and I'll be damned if I'm going to let anyone tell me I'm wrong for feeling what I'm feeling. My baby is dead. And I will move on...but right now I need to feel my pain and work through this in my own way.

I'm the mommy, dammitt. Mommies feel deeper for their children then anyone else on the planet.

I don't even want to do Christmas with MY family this year. Right now I just want to be alone with Adam and Maeven. That's all I have the strength to deal with right now.

I told Adam what it feels like to be reeling from this pain in a room full of people that I cannot open up to...totally alone. Made all the worse because no one talks about my baby. No one says his name, no one talks about him. Its like it never happened. I know they haven't forgotten, but still they don't talk about him.

But then, I don't know how they would talk about it, with me at least...Its not like I really expect any of them to talk to me about it either...But its just so strikingly missing when not talked about. And it makes me feel even more alone. I brought this up at my AngelBabies group counseling session and one of the moms said that when no one talks about her baby that it feels like those commercials where one person is standing at a train station or something, perfectly still, and all the masses of people going by are in fast motion, just whizzing by. That's exactly it. Totally alone with the whole world just whizzing by, forgetting all about you...forgetting your baby.

He was real. He was mine. He was beautiful. So beautiful, so perfect.

HE WAS REAL!

And don't ask me why I'm sad! HOW can you ask me? WHY am I sad? Why do you have to ask?

Other people are grieving too? Let me tell you something.... I ----- DON'T --------- CARE!!!!!!!!! I really don't. Other people may grieve, but other people were not his mommy. Other people did not feel him grow inside them. Other people did not feel his kicks and stretches. Other people did not labor hard for him, puke their gutts out during hard contractions, nor push him out of them for hours, with all the strength within them and feel the top of his beautiful little squishy head and feel his precious little body slide out...Other people are not his mommy!!!

Other people may very well be grieving...but how can you even think of asking me to think of other people right now?

I have too much going on within me right now...I barely have the strength to cope with my own feelings. It takes all I have within me to keep it together for myself, my daughter and my husband. Please don't expect me to also think of grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins....its not going to happen.

This week has been a living hell. I am sinking deeper and deeper and I don't even think I've hit bottom yet...Apparently I still have a lot to feel. I need to be around people that I feel close enough to to share my feelings...not people I SHOULD feel close to. If it wasn't there before, its not happening now. Not now.

If you are one I am not close with.... leave me alone, but don't forget about me.

Ask me how I'm doing, but don't expect me to open up to you. I just appreciate you asking.
But be prepared if I do feel like telling you how I'm feeling.
Confusing? You betcha.

I'm all over the place tonite with my thoughts...forgive me. I had this overwhelming drive tonite to get all this out...I don't know how coherent its going to sound, but its what I'm feeling right now and I need to get it out and I need others to know.

I'm so angry. So hurt. So LOST. So alone. So sad.

And yet, I am surrounded by so many people that make me also feel so loved and cared for. How can this be? How can I feel so lost and yet so cared for?

This week has been hell. Starting with my panic over the holidays, ending in the world shattering news that we are back to not knowing WHY???? And all the crying in between.

Will I ever be happy again? Lordy I hope so.

Bear with me...I'm still deep within my grief. I guess I'm right where I need to be. I'm amazed at the depth of it all. I thought I'd felt sorrow before. I hadn't.

Its like being in an ocean storm...bobbing around in the waves and choking and drowning sometimes, and coming to the surface for air sometimes...up and down, up and down. Oh I'm so tired.

But I will make it through this...I know I will...just let me grieve.

Please...don't be frustrated with me, don't feel sorry for me, don't try to fix it, don't give me any words of wisdom, don't give me guilt-inducing comments that imply I am being selfish thinking only of my feelings, don't be angry with me for needing to have my husband and daughter to myself. Just let me feel what I'm feeling.

I just need a soft place to fall right now. A safe place.

I just need to be where I am.

I will work through this...I just need time.

Leave me alone, but don't forget me.

And don't go too far.

FINALLY NEWS on Baelin's Death

2004-08-27T07:40:00.000-07:00

oh *deep breath* finally finally finally...after nearly 5months we finally have a somewhat definitive answer on why we lost are darling little boy.

i talked to the coroner today. the gist of it is that it is his belief, from his experience doing this for over 25yrs, that it would not have mattered where baelin had been born. the outcome would have been pretty much the same. he may have survived birth if they had done a crash c-section (if they had realized they needed to do
one...the decels that he had during pushing were all within the range of normal, i'm told by jacque and rhonda, except maybe the final ones and by that point if they had c-sectioned he had already been in my birth canal long enough that the outcome may have still been the same)....but his prognosis for life would most likely not have been good. he definitely had something wrong with his bones. they can't put an exact name label on it...he still thinks a form of osteopetrosis, but no way to know for sure nor which kind....but his bones were NOT normal.

my baby's head was CRUSHED from being born! this sounds just horrible, but it really helps us know this. he did not have the soft bones that babies are supposed to have to be able to be born safely. his bones were very dense and brittle. we had no way of knowing this because its a rare condition they had no way to know to test for. they don't usually xray pregnant women! and that would probably be the only way they could have known...there were no indications of a problem from the ultrasound i had. they can't see the insides of the bones from u/s. it wasn't til the autopsy, when they did a full xray, that they saw this in his bones.

the dr kept saying that baelin's skull "collapsed"...not the normal molding of a normal healthy baby...it was crushed! so he most likely would have had some serious brain damage had he survived the vaginal birth...and if he had been c-sectioned...he would still have the bone disorder which caused the dense, brittle bones in the first place...so he may have survived the birth but his life would probably have been short and painful. prognosis for this sort of disease is
not at all good when its severe, as his obviously was. the lesser form of this disease can go unnoticed for decades...but baelin's was severe or he wouldn't have died from it.

so there you have it. thank god it wasn't anything to do with choices we made. you can't help running the "what-ifs", ya know? but i've run these what-ifs to the ground this morning and i keep coming to the dr's specifically saying that it is his professional opinion that this baby would have died regardless of where or how he had been born. he kept telling me that my baby was NOT normal. he couldn't say
EXACTLY the cause of death in the sense of a specific name for the disorder but it was the bone problems, for sure. *big exhale*

he also said we need to go in for genetic counselling to determine if we are at risk for having another child with this disorder. i'm just so glad to finally have an answer!! i'll do whatever it takes to get through the next pregnancy...but finally FINALLY we can say WHY baelin died!! the question marks are just excrutiating!

thankyou all for all your support...its not over yet by any means and our emotions will continue to roller coaster and we will ALWAYS miss our baby boy and wish he could have been healthy and whole...but to now know WHY he died will really help us to start to heal more, i think. and it came with perfect timing because i just completed my 3rd cycle and we are ready to start trying to get pregnant again. its going to be a scary ride, but i know i have the strength for it because of my wonderful husband, family and of course all of you, my friends.

and on a side note...i want to share also that i was told by someone who is touched in a way to know...that baelin did not suffer...whether you believe in this sort of "knowing" or not, i have just gotten a huge comfort from this message. i am told he had someone with him in the end that helped him in the transition over
and i don't know who that was, but i am eternally greatful and the thought of all this just makes the tears flow this morning.

tina
mommy to maeven, 3.75yrs and baelin, stillborn 4/04 at 41.5wks due to
bone disorder

Update on Smith Family

2004-06-08T07:39:00.000-07:00

i recently posted the below post to my apmommies group an i thought i should post it here too. it was titled "update on smith family"....

i just thought i'd update y'all on how we are doing...since so many of you have done so much for us. and we really appreciate it all.

well, life seems to be returning to more normal, whatever normal is...although i haven't gotten myself to start my mommy & me classes again yet (still not ready to have people over here regularly yet...i'm enjoying not having to do anything when i don't feel like it.) i doubt that any of us will be truly "HAPPY" again for quite some time, but we are making it day to day with little joyful moments, mostly thanks to maeven.

of course baelin is forever in our thoughts...i can't speak for adam or maeven, but i personally still think of him all day long...though it does seem to be a little less this week, now that we've made it through the memorial. it was really depressing for me planning that memorial and i'm so glad to be done with it. it went really well, but i was soooooo sad planning it and was dreading it at the same time looking forward to it, if that makes any sense. i found myself in the deepest sad funk ever during the planning...and i didn't really break out of it til the week after we went to monterey.

monterey was nice...it was nice to get away. it wasn't as great as i had hoped, but perhaps it did wash away some of those intense feelings. we were only there 2 days or so, and maeven was acting atrociously when we went to the aquarium...but once i stopped reacting in anger to her (so hard not to do these days...but i'm
slowly getting it...my first inclination is to just lash out because i'm just too wrapped up in my own emotions) and realized that the overcrowdedness of the aquarium was overwhelming her, then we had a better time. and at the end of the day, close to closing, there was less people and i think we all breathed easier and enjoyed ourselves more. next time we definitely will not go on a busy weekend like that!

i am finding time to get together with close friends here and there and it definitely helps. i can even handle being around babies more...although it does still break my heart a little. especially those that are close in age to what baelin should be.

i've slipped more into anger mode now...i'm hearing that's the next phase of grief, yay. i cannot even describe to you all the intensity of the fury i have over this happening to us. i understand now why this kind of thing shakes religious faith...i wasn't particularly religious before, but now i have very little use for a god that allows such horrible things to happen...i suppose that's something i may get over eventually, but for now i just don't see the point in prayer, as i know we were all praying furiously when they were trying to revive baelin and it obviously did no good. my view now is that whatever will happen, will happen, whether or not i pray doesn't seem to affect anything. don't try to change my mind about this right now either because i'm too PISSED at god to even consider an alternative! my dad (the preacher) actually agreed with me that prayer doesn't change the situation...he said he believes it only changes the person praying...hm...gonna have to think more on that.

i definitely need to try to get out and interact more with people again because we went to fowler to sami's (annalisa's little, or should i say BIG girl!) birthday party this weekend and maeven really had a blast being with her friends again. she goes back and forth with acting atrociously to being just the sweetest kid. i am finding
that when i'm wrapped up in my emotions and trying to self-medicate by doing something that makes me feel pleasure (to balance out all the pain), like computer time, that maeven really acts out and that in turn gets me angry and i react not-so-nice, and we go round and round. now that i am starting to come a little out of my cloud of intense grief and into a more managable level of sorrow, i am getting better at doing what my child needs me to do...be her mommy. i even managed to stay calm and kind to her last nite in the middle of what was turning into a really ugly moment with her...and darned if it didn't help turn her around! i am real ashamed of how she's been parented lately and i need to remember that she's just a little girl
and her goal in life is NOT to rock my world and make life difficult for me...it was beginning to feel that way. i reminded myself recently that i am creating her childhood memories and i really want them to be filled with joy and for her to be able to tell people what a great, fun, silly mommy she had growing up...not the angry beast that has been around here lately.

so i'm working on it. and trying to take time for me at the same time...starting to drop her off at my mom's when i'm feeling overwhelmed and need time away from maeven and her from me. she just adores nana.

i also find it interesting that maeven is back to clinging to me again...she's regressing recently in some things, including potty training. asking for help with things that she is fully capable of...and not wanting daddy at ALL in the evenings when she gets sleepy and grumpy...only MOMMY!! i guess this is to be expected. so i'm just trying to be patient with her. i know she'll pass through this phase and into another soon enough...trying to give her extra TLC now that i can finally see beyond my own heart.

we talk about baelin a lot. maeven still tells me daily "i'm sorry baelin died." with kinda a sad smile on her face...i'm not sure exactly what she expects from that, but it seems like she feels good about the attention she gets when she says it, so i continue to tell her that i'm sad too and thankyou and its not her fault her brother
died. and she still gives adam and i things daily to help us "feel better"...rocks, tiny flowers she finds in lawns all over, sparkly things she picks up off the ground, little treasures...i need to document some of this better, its so very sweet.

i am finding comfort in some of the online groups that i have been a part of recently. when i felt up to getting online again, i sought out some stillbirth groups...i found a couple on yahoo i just didn't feel really all that good about, it made me more sad mostly...so then i looked on mothering and they do have a board for pregnancy and
birth loss and the ladies there are just wonderful. its nice to have similar minded people to talk to...people who parent similarly. i also recently found out via an email list i'm on of a baby that was born the day before baelin that was diagnosed with an inoperable malignant brain tumor and have been emailing that mama and feel inspired to help her and her family out...working on some ideas for that...although they have HUGE support from online communities they are a part of...i feel some sort of a sad connection to this little guy who was born just hours before my baelin...it almost feels therapeutic trying to work out some way i can get involved.

well this has become gigantic, and i know you guys probably don't have time to sit and read stuff like this...if you've made it this far, you are a devoted friend! lol!

i continue to feel blessed to have all of you in my life and am truly grateful for all your support. its not over yet and will never truly be over, but i'm glad to have your help to go through this. i feel the love and am so happy to have all the well wishes and thoughts and presents.

Baelin's Memorial

2004-06-02T07:37:00.000-07:00

We had the memorial last Thursday (May 28) and our family and closest friends came. It was very hard inviting people because we have so many friends, but I wanted to keep it smallish so I only invited people we see regularly and that are very close to us, that I spend a lot of time talking to about Baelin. We tried to keep it very simple. When people arrived, we went right into the backyard where the kids played and grownups talked until everyone got there. I also set up the kiddos painting large river rocks for decorating the garden. Then my dad did a short, 15min or so, service type thing...we used Baelin's song ("Precious Child") at the end, and it was really heart-wrenching. Not many dry eyes. Then a closing prayer and we were off to plant the garden. It went really wonderful. I was so touched at all the wonderful variety of beautiful plants and garden decor that were donated and watching everyone pitch in and help us decide where to put what, and of course the planting. It was really beautiful. Check out the gallery of pics from the planting here.

Very exciting news!

2004-05-14T19:31:00.000-07:00

Very exciting news! I wrote to Sigrid Herr, who is a fantastic sculptor who's work I fell in love with awhile back and who I have emailed before about her work...I wrote to ask if she would do a fountain for our backyard, in memorial of Baelin...I got this wonderfully touching response from her:

"Tina,
My heart goes out to you. What a terrible blow to come so close to holding him and then to have to let him go.
I immediately started thinking about how to express the sentiments you must have in sculpture. Let me work on it for a while and see if I can come up with an idea that is dignified and original for your experience. I don't want to tap into cliches or images that are too worn out which would be the danger in this context. I can imagine the depth of your pain and mourning and I would want to do it justice.
Thank you for asking me, I feel honored.
Sigrid"

I can't even express how much this means to me. I am so happy about the prospect and can't wait to see what she comes up with.

On a similar note, I spoke with a local friend of mine, who happens to be Margaret Hudson's daughter-in-law (and also Clement Renzi's daughter), about a memorial statue for Baelin to be placed at The Garden of the Sun, which is on The Discovery Center property. She also said she'd work with me on this and I am going to try to arrange a time to meet with her soon to discuss this. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life.

We are thinking that we'd like to plant a tree at The Garden of the Sun because that is a beautiful garden and also because we had loved it so much that we originally had planned to get married there (had to change our plans due to rain) and so we know that Baelin's tree will be well cared for for years to come. We don't plan to be in our present home forever, so it would be better to have the tree somewhere that we can always have access to. We would like to have a statue near the tree, to further remember Baelin with.

After Birth

2004-05-11T01:25:00.000-07:00

I ended up in St. Agnes from Saturday (April 17) in the wee hours of the morning when I was transported there by ambulance following his birth, til Sunday afternoon (April 18). I apparently had gotten an infection in the lining of my uterus at some point...not sure when that started...I had no fever my entire labor...Jacque and Rhonda checked my temp and Baelin's heartbeat frequently, the whole labor. But when I was admitted to the hospital ER, I was running a temp of 101 and was put on IV antibiotics. Perhaps stress?

I also was unable to get the placenta out by myself. A nurse pushed on my stomach and tried to pull it out but I screamed at her to stop. I had had no contractions to expel it at that point, so I think it was still attached...but just prior to my doctor coming, I did have some cramping and I think that's when it finally detached and he was able to pull it out pretty easily and it didn't really hurt much (good thing cuz if it was still attached he was going to do surgery to get it out)...and what a relief when it was out.

I asked for drugs once we got to the hospital because at that point I didn't care anymore...my baby was already dead and I would not be nursing...I never cared about drugs in my body, only in my children's.

The nurses in the hospital were very kind. I can only imagine what they said behind my back...They couldn't know the whole story...some things are not as simple as they seem...but I would bet it would seem that way to them. Homebirth ending in dead baby? Stupid people shoulda been in the hospital. No, I'll never believe that. Babies have been born safely at home since the beginning of time. We had a very well planned out and prepared homebirth. Very experienced and excellent midwives, great prenatal care... I should have had another of those happy stories...but sometimes things just go wrong I guess...no matter how good the care. And despite this horrible outcome I will still always be a homebirth advocate. I don't know if we'll ever have any answer as to why Baelin died, but I do know that sometimes bad things just happen...no matter where you are.

They wrapped Baelin up and handed him to Adam while they were still wheeling me down the hall to my room, and I had Baelin with me until Sunday morning when the nurse came to take him to the coroner's. I only held him briefly though...when Maeven came in to see him, and when they wheeled me to my new room. Maeven asked to see the baby and after discussing it we decided she needed to see him. She really seemed like she understood. She quietly cried when she saw him. She's only 3! She still tells me "I'm sorry Baelin died." And frequently talks about how she misses him, and does things all the time "to help you to feel better", like bringing me flowers and cutting rosemary from Nana's garden for me to smell and bringing me pretty rocks. She's so darling. Without her I would be having a much harder time going on.
I wish now that I had spent more time holding Baelin and looking at him. I wish I had unswaddled him and counted his toes and fingers and really looked at his hair and his ears and just every inch of him. All I have of that time right after his birth, when he only looked like a precious sleeping baby, are the polaroid pics the nurses took. I am SO thankful for those pictures. I never would have thought to take them. I wish I had taken lots of pictures of him. I wish I had looked at him more. I wish I wish I wish. I wish this was all just a bad dream and I will wake up and still be pregnant. But I was in too much shock to look at him alot...I was so sad and in shock and a little creeped out by having my dead baby in the room with me...but I didn't want them to take him away from me either. When they did come get him I was relieved and sad. I wish I had looked at him more. I just was in such shock I really wasn't feeling much of anything...just reeling from it all. My mom and I sat and talked for hours with Baelin wrapped up in a blanket lying in a basket right next to my mom and I kept feeling like we were being too loud and we'd wake him. I kept thinking I saw him move, a startled baby movement. Then sadness swept over me as I remembered that he couldn't be moving. And we couldn't wake him.

I was in the hospital from Saturday morning until Sunday afternoon...on iv antibiotics and I had a dose or 2 of pain meds, although they really didn't help. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I remember telling the nurse early on that this hurt worse than my c-section. At the time it really seemed like it did...I've since realized that I said that when I had had no pain meds and I got quite a lot of pain meds when I had the c-section.

I couldn't believe how long it took to heal physically...Its now 3wks later and its only been this past week that I haven't been in pain or discomfort. Although I did end up with a yeast infection (a result of the antibiotics) and am still suffering from this infernal itching! ARGH!

Everything hurt...I couldn't move very well and this was all so new to me. It would have been a welcome pain, though, had my baby lived. I don't think I would have noticed much. I didn't notice the pain of the c-section much with Maeven. I was too caught up in her and in all that she was going through being stuck in the hospital on iv antibiotics for her whole first week of life. Watching her have to go through getting new iv's inserted every other day or so, milking her heels for blood tests, having to be separated from her when I went to catch some sleep while she slept...it was a living hell that I was so looking forward to not having to repeat with Baelin.

Little did I know I'd give anything for that hell instead of this one.

I really do wonder about all that Maeven went through to come into this world and her first week in this world...if all that has affected who she is today. I really think it did. I really wonder if Baelin would have been calmer and less sensitive to everything than his sister, had he been born alive and well, at home. Maeven has always been super sensitive. She's always been hyper sensitive to pain, screams like a limb was chopped off every single bump or scrape. EVERY little thing gets a shriek...Its exhausting. For all of us. I wonder if that may have been born out of her first experiences. I wonder if her tendency to be so emotional and cry over every little thing may have been influenced by that first week of chaos. All this I've wondered a thousand times and all this I wanted to save Baelin from, if I could, by having him born in a loving, nurturing, sensitive environment...at home...where he belongs. I wanted to save him from all the poking and prodding and institutionalized birthing...I wanted my baby treated like the beautiful precious being he was...handled with the sensitivity he deserves...to be welcomed to the world with love and kindness...and he was.

I feel like there are 2 separate issues with this birth. The birth and the death. I am so happy to have finally experienced a vaginal birth that was nearly everything I wanted it to be. It took half the time, and this time my strength and determination wasn't undermined...Instead of "oh, you're STILL only about 3 cm" or "there's STILL no change, you haven't progressed"...I got "you're progressing just as you should...baby's moving down nicely" and "you're doing a great job!" Amazing how the simple wording makes all the difference in the world. In the hospital, when things were taking too long for them, no one had confidence in me that I could do it...at home, Jacque and Rhonda helped me see I could do it and WAS doing it...and there was no hurry, the baby would come when he was ready. Afterwards I realized how quick things went in comparison to Maeven's birth...and I really think I could have done the same with Maeven had the environment been different.

Being able to give birth vaginally when I had not been allowed to birth before...that was what Baelin gave me. I have to find some good that came of this...not at the expense of my child, but because of my child. After Maeven's birth I was left with an emptiness and a strong feeling of something being taken from me. It was a deeply wounded feeling that I had not given birth, she had been taken from me. I could not shake that deep feeling of loss. I realize birth is not a spiritual experience for every woman, but for me it was way more than just the outcome, a baby, it was the whole birth process and GIVING BIRTH...I didn't get to give birth with Maeven...I did with Baelin. And it was glorious! To feel him coming out of me...to push him out...the strength that I felt within me when I could feel the top of his head with my hand...the ring of fire...I loved it all! I didn't "enjoy" labor, mind you...it hurt like hell! And it was the hardest thing I've ever done and will ever do. But I fully understand now that glorious feeling of triumph I had heard so many women describe. Up until the moment that we realized there was a problem and Baelin wasn't breathing, I experienced that triumph of birth. It was a fantastic feeling...and I hope with every fiber in my being to get to feel it again...real soon.
For now, we grieve. And it really really sucks.

Maeven's behavior was so volatile the week after Baelin's death. Tantrums and meltdowns constantly and mood swings from hell. But we tried to comfort her and allow her to grieve in her own way. She was very sad...she still is. But she seems to slowly be calming down. I've definitely noticed that the more individual, focused attention I have for her, the better she feels and acts.
We agonized on whether or not to see Baelin one last time. A week and a half after his birth/death, they were finally done with him at the coroner's and he was ready to be viewed at the funeral home. It was a tough decision, but we decided to see him one last time, even though we knew he wouldn't look the same anymore. And he didn't. You can see a big difference in the pictures on the first page, which were taken just hours after he was born, and the picture below, which was taken a week and a half later.

They didn't want us to see anything but his face, because of the extent of the autopsy they did. But when I said I really wanted to see his hands and feet (I didn't really look at them in the hospital), they did get one of his hands out for us. But it was skinny and nothing like the pudgy large hands that he had when he was first born. And his head seemed caved in on one side, so I think they must have removed part of his skull for the autopsy...I guess because of the bone samples they needed. He no longer had the tube in his mouth, so it was good to see his sweet little mouth finally...But his eyes were looking very sunken in. It was hard to see...and he just didn't have the round, pudgy baby look anymore and was obviously dead. But at the same time, he was still my beautiful baby boy. And I was sooooo glad to have had that last chance to see him.

It was really therapeutic for me.

I think it was harder for Adam, though.

We got Baelin's ashes nearly 3wks after we lost him. Adam came home in tears with them. It was a hard day. We will plan a memorial for our little guy sometime in the next couple weeks.
I will write more as I can...update these pages when I have more information or thoughts. Right now everything's still so garbled in my mind and I jump around from thought to thought. That's just how my brain works these days. There's not an hour that goes by that I'm not thinking of the birth, death, my little baby, what I've lost, what I should be doing right now...The diapers I should be changing, the baby spit up I should be smelling, the crying, the nursing, the endless exhaustion and joy...I yearn for it all. And I yearn to be able to be pregnant again. To fast forward to next year and hold a living baby in my arms again.

I've become a part of several online stillbirth communities. I don't know if its helping that much, but I do like to know I'm not the only one who's survived this nightmare. We are working on putting together some memorial things to remember Baelin with. A tree and statue to put at The Discovery Center...a fountain for our backyard.

Baelin's Birth Story

2004-05-09T01:17:00.000-07:00

On April 16, 2004, around 4:30am, I woke up for one of my many middle-of-the-nite trips to the bathroom and noticed after I laid down that I may have been having a mild contraction. I was about 10 days past my "official" due date and anxious to get things rolling. I forced myself to go back to sleep (lesson learned after my first labor in which I only got 2 hours of sleep because I was too excited) and woke again about an hour later to go to the bathroom again...and again some more mild contractions...I managed to sleep until about 7:30am, at which point the pain in my hips normally got me out of bed anyway, and I got up to go to the bathroom and noticed I had lost my mucous plug...went back to bed to tell Adam and we talked for a little, then I got up and puttered around the kitchen a little. While standing at the kitchen sink washing a couple dishes, I felt a definite trickle that I remembered from my water breaking with Maeven's labor, and rushed to the bathroom. I knew at this point it was definitely starting...This was just a little before 8am...I called my midwife and while I was discussing with her if my water had truly broken or if it was just the extra fluid around the outside of the sack (something that was totally new to me, I didn't even know that there was extra fluid on the outside!) I had a very large, unmistakable GUSH, and there was no denying that was my waters breaking. I was getting excited but also trying to stay calm and relaxed to conserve energy for the hard work ahead. If this labor went anything like my labor with Maeven, it would be many hours, maybe even days before we got to meet our baby. Jacque (midwife) told me to rest, eat, and count baby movements. So that's what I did.

Adam and Maeven (3.5yrs) were up and excited by this point and Maeven was talking about meeting the new baby. I don't even really remember much about the rest of that morning except that I tried really hard to sit and rest as much as possible...drink red raspberry leaf tea and just veg out, watch tv and write in my journal. According to my journal, around 2pm my contractions had picked up and were hurting and I was having to focus more on breathing through them...though still hungry and still able to talk through them for the most part. I'm not sure how much longer it was when labor was full tilt...but I do remember it was getting harder to concentrate with Maeven there, so we called my parents to come take her...I think they came about 3 or so? It was a relief to not have to worry about Maeven anymore.

I don't recall exactly when Jacque got there either, but I think it was a couple hours later. I remember that by that point I was laboring in my bed and I don't think I was able to talk through contractions anymore. Adam thinks it was around 5 or 6 when Jacque got here. Rhonda, my doula & dear friend, was unable to make it til after dinner, a couple more hours...I think it was around 8pm...by that point I was feeling like I didn't want to be doing the whole labor thing anymore. I distinctly remember feeling very overwhelmed with the intensity of contractions and pain. "I'm NEVER doing this again!" was a very frequent statement from me.
I had a hard time waiting to get in my birthing pool...Adam had blown it up but we didn't have a hose to fill it (needed a water bed hose because its designed for hot water) because Chanah (2nd midwife) was bringing it and she was at another birth. So we had to have my folks buy one...and they misunderstood the first time and just brought an adaptor for the faucet, not the hose...finally got the hose and started filling the pool but I couldn't get in yet because I wasn't dialated enough. Jacque said I needed to be more dialated and in active labor before I could get in. Felt like active labor to me!! Oh that was SO HARD TO WAIT! I ended up in the shower and that helped. But then I had used up all the hot water and the pool had cooled off, so when she finally said I could get in the pool, it wasn't real warm anymore...Adam was running back and forth with pots of hot water from the stove. All the while trying to be there for me to grab onto during contractions. What a trooper.

Its all a blur exactly how everything happened, but I recall Roger, my chiropractor, getting there at some point to do my massage. They tell me it was around 9pm. Jacque told me later I was only about 3 or 4 cm when he got there. I remember that I was really losing heart and kept saying how I didn't want to do this anymore...it was so hard and I just thought it would never end. At one point I looked at Rhonda and said "You did this 6 times?????" LOL. But at some point in the pool I really buckled down and figured out how to focus on my abdominal muscles and relax them while grabbing hard to Adam's shirt. It worked for me and took every ounce of energy and strength I had to relax those muscles through contractions...but it definitely made the pain more tolerable. In between contractions I never really got a break, though...my uterus was basically in constant pain and my contractions were so close together for basically the whole labor. I barely had time to breathe when another would hit me. Adam thought my contractions were milder in the water...they weren't, I just had figured out how to focus to relax the muscles and it took so much energy that I didn't have the ability to moan during them, only breathe hard.

After Roger did my massage, he said he had relaxed my back spasm and my hip spasms...at the time I didn't think it affected my labor any, but I did enjoy it and it did make my back feel better. Later, Jacque told me that I had only been 3 or 4 cm when he got there, and within an hour after he was done I was feeling like pushing and was about an 8 or 9! She says she wants him at all her births now! I tell you what, I'll have him come earlier next time!!
In the pool again I was trying to figure out what my body was doing because I noticed I was having a harder time sitting still...I was rocking from side to side where I had been basically still before, not being able to bear moving...and then my uterus was starting to push...took me a couple times to figure out that's what was happening...I never got to push at all with Maeven...plus was on an epidural by that point so didn't feel anything at the end. I figured later that was transition (the shifting around)...but at the time I just knew things felt different. I told Rhonda I felt like pushing and she shouted for Jacque, in the other room. Jacque came and checked me and said I had a cervical lip (same as with Maeven), and said I needed to breathe through pushing contractions because I would swell my cervix up if I pushed at that point. After a bit, she suggested I get out of the water and she'd help push the lip back for me so I could push...so we did that for awhile and it finally worked. I didn't know what was going on at that point, I just was so overwhelmed with all the feelings and pooped out from working so hard that I was begging for it to be over. Felt like an eternity to me and every time she had me move it hurt like hell and I fought to stay still but to no avail, because she insisted I try different positions...I know now that that was what helped, but at the time I just didn't want to move! I finally got to push and I pushed in all different positions...sitting, squatting, standing, all fours, everywhere I was, walking down the hallway to get to the bathroom...I pushed all over the darn house! (Vomited alot too, ugh...that's the worst feeling in the world, vomiting while having a strong contraction...YIKES!)

During pushing, Jacque noticed the baby's heartrate descellerating, but it kept coming back up afterwards so everything seemed normal. Good strong heartbeat the entire labor and most of the pushing...I headed to the shower because I wasn't using the pool anymore...and when the hot water ran out I headed to the bedroom again...Pushed in a couple positions on the bed, including squatting, and ended up sitting with Adam behind me. It was almost over and I was finally feeling like I could make this happen...we had decided not to call Maeven to come watch because I had had such a hard time and didn't want her to see that...so it was just Adam and I and Jacque and Rhonda...Chanah finally got there about 30min before Baelin was born. Her birth took longer than any of us anticipated and because she hadn't been there sooner I didn't get my iv antibiotics for strep B, but Rhonda did run and get oral antibiotics for me and I had had 2 doses.

In the bedroom I was on oxygen because I was having a hard time breathing properly (they had to keep talking me through breathing in through my nose, out through my mouth as I kept wanting to pant)...and this was where Baelin started to concern them. His heart was dropping and not coming back up the way they wanted. Talking to Jacque later she said things were all happening so fast at that point and every push I made was bringing him down quite a lot that she was worried if we transported at that point that she would have to catch in the car and that could have a whole 'nother set of problems...plus she said if we had called the ambulance at that point the paramedics probably wouldn't have transported me at that point either because of how close it was. I do remember right at the end, though, that she got very stern with me to push harder and I had to get that baby out pretty quick or else we were going to have to transport. Chanah was also very forceful in not letting me take my oxygen mask off...which was starting to make me feel claustrophobic. But the energy in those last 10-15min of pushing was so stressed and I trust those women so implicitly that I obeyed and did what had to be done to get that baby out, fast! Just minutes before he came out Jacque got a really good heart reading on the monitor after a couple minutes of terror as they couldn't find anything (since my contractions were so close together and she couldn't get anything when I was pushing, I think)...one really great reading that she held the monitor up and we all heard it with sighs of relief...then back to work on getting him out...just minutes to go...

They could see his head and I was really getting good at pushing and feeling his head coming out was enough to give me the burst of energy I needed to finish the job. I touched his head a couple times and it was so amazing to feel I was doing it!! Then his head was out and they said his color looked good. A couple more pushes and his shoulders came and he slid the rest of the way out and wow did that feel better!

But then came the scary and sad part. He was not breathing...everything was spinning and they worked so hard on him and I just didn't feel like I was part of my body anymore. I kept saying "Breathe, Baby, Breathe!!" at some point we thought to look and see that he was a boy, and all the while Jacque and Chanah are frantically rubbing him and turning him and doing CPR on him...and our hearts are sinking lower and lower as time clicked achingly by. About 2 min into this, Rhonda called 9-1-1 and within about 5 more minutes, my house is suddenly full of paramedics and cops. I think there must have been 6 to 8 extra people in my bedroom, literally. (Adam told me later there were several cop cars and 2 ambulances outside. I guess the cops got there first.) They stood and watched awhile while Jacque and Chanah continued CPR. Then the paramedics took over and all I could do is sit there and watch. My baby inches from me, right where he had landed when he came out, between my legs, still connected to me by his umbilical cord. Adam was behind me crying and I just was reeling in shock and disbelief....I really didn't feel like this was happening...It couldn't be happening...but it was taking too long and I knew that. By the time the paramedics were working on him, there had been no heartbeat, no breath, for about 8-10min. I don't know how many more minutes went by, but at some point Jacque cut the cord and they intubated him and bagged him and rushed him out to a waiting ambulance....someone threw a sheet over me and then Jacque tried to help me deliver the placenta, but it wasn't coming out. They took me out of my house on a gurney and into another ambulance...there were cops everywhere...my whole neighborhood seemed lit up. It was a little after 2am on April 17, 2004.

They took me in the ambulance and Rhonda went with me. They tried to get me to push the placenta out but I couldn't and I nearly passed out the couple of times I tried. I just kept telling them "do NOT pull it out!!!!" I knew that would hurt like hell. This kind of distracted me from thinking about what was happening with Baelin. And that whole time I really was thinking that he would be ok. They always get the babies breathing again on tv! Stupid tv thought, but I really thought they'd bring him back. I couldn't imagine them not.

We got to St Agnes and Adam was in the hallway (he had gone with the baby in the ambulance) and I knew by the look on his face that our baby was dead. I immediately started to cry.
This couldn't be happening! We did everything right!! We had him at home so he would have the safe, nonviolent birth that his sister did not get. I didn't want another child of mine going through what Maeven went through. I didn't want another birth to end in the sadness and the hole in my heart that was left after the long, unnecessarily interventive birth of my first child. I wanted to be the one to give birth, not have my child cut from me because of "failure to progress" (which really was "failure to be patient", in our case), and I knew the best chance for this would be at home...I wanted a beautiful birth experience this time, for both me and the baby...THIS NIGHTMARE IS WHAT I WAS TRYING TO AVOID by having Baelin at home, where I felt safe and I knew labor could progress naturally and without the stress of the many strange and sometimes uncaring and rude people that you have to deal with in a hospital birth. Away from the assembly line birthing environment...where I and my child are real people and not numbers....I surrounded myself with the knowledge and trust that my body knew what to do and brought people into my home that I trusted completely (and still do) to help me bring this baby into the world without the trauma I had experienced before.

But it all went terribly wrong when Baelin didn't breathe. He never tried to. He never moved, he never opened his eyes, he never cried, he never suckled at my breast...his heart stopped beating at some point while he was being born and never started again no matter what they did.
We don't know why Baelin died. We may never know. We have had an autopsy performed and we are waiting for the results. The initial thing they've noticed from an xray is that Baelin may have had a rare genetic bone disorder called osteopetrosis. This may or may not have caused his stillbirth. When we hear the final results from the tests, I will update this information.

For now, we just don't know. And here I am 3wks later and still numb and reeling...and sad and angry...How could this happen to us? Would it have been different if we had done this in the hospital? We don't know. I do know that I never would have consented to a scheduled c-section. No way in HELL. Not without any reason. I would never have consented to being butchered again...nor put another child through the torture of those brutal hospital procedures. And we had no reason to schedule a c-section. He was fine. I was fine. We were fine all the way through labor...it was only at the very end that we had any inkling of a problem. At that point would it have been different in the hospital? I don't know. Had they scheduled an emergency c-section at that point, it would have taken time to assemble the team to do it. By that point I may have been pushing him out. Or maybe he would have died coming out by c-section...or maybe he wouldn't have. I don't know that it would have been any different...I can't help but wonder. But I am trying to not drive myself crazy with what-ifs.

Something went wrong. We don't know what...but something went terribly wrong because babies are designed to survive birth. And most babies do. So regardless of whether we find out what was wrong, there was definitely something wrong with Baelin. Whether or not he would have survived had we birthed in the hospital we will probably never know. But we did all we could with the knowledge and experience that we collectively did at the time. And I can't help but hope we do find out that there was some reason like this rare bone disorder that caused this...something that will give us an answer to the "WHY GOD?????"

I still feel strongly about homebirth. I still feel that its a safe thing...for god's sake people have been doing it since the beginning of time! Birth is not a dangerous thing! Unfortunately there are cases when things just happen and very unfortunately we happened to be one of the unlucky families I guess.

I don't know if we'll have another homebirth from this point on...Its too soon to make that decision. But this really sucks now because now I don't feel safe anywhere. Not that there are any guarantees anywhere. But man does this suck bigtime.

Baelin Adam Smith

2004-05-09T01:13:00.000-07:00

Stillborn 4/17/04 at 41.5wks gestation
8lbs 12oz, 22in