Today Baelin would have been 4

As I sit here typing, with my 2.5yr old and my 7yr old playing happily nearby, watching pbs...still in our pjs, still waking up...I don't really know how to feel. I am sad, of course. I wish it hadn't been this way with Baelin. I wish our family never had to suffer such a huge loss. But at the same time I have to remind myself that without losing Baelin we wouldn't have Tyren:

(Poor little bugger has a cold right now, so this is his weak, red/snotty nosed smile this morning.)

I am really glad that BabyFest ended before Baelin's birthday this year...so that I can have the day to think of Baelin. It seriously sucked last year because of it being crunch time for BabyFest and I just didn't have time to think anything other than being guilty that I couldn't stop to think about him! This year, BabyFest was last Saturday and I'm trying to get back to life as normal (whatever that is), and I can sit here and think of Baelin.

Its hard, though, to think of a baby that you didn't have much of any time with. I did have the in-utero time, but that was all me wondering what he'd be like...and wishing he wouldn't make me feel so uncomfortable! I was really looking forward to meeting him...to just have that taken from me was devastating. I will never shake the pain in my heart from all that we went through that horrible morning 4 years ago. It still haunts me and always will, I suppose.

Of course it gets better...you can't feel that much pain that intensely forever. It dulls and I don't think of him every single day anymore...which also makes me sad but also relieved at the same time, if that makes any sense. And guilt always comes into play. Mommyhood just seems to be all about guilt. I feel guilty about so many things every single day! I feel like I am screwing up left and right constantly. And I probably am.

I can say "I'm doing the best that I can"...but really, am I? How does anyone really truly do the BEST they can, all the time? Just doesn't seem human. Sure, at times...but all the time? That would be simply exhausting! I make good and bad choices all the time. And I beat myself up constantly for the bad ones. And I berate my children for making bad choices. And I try to change that cycle.

I have to comfort myself in the stuff I do right...I occasionally get it right, I think...I feel like I'm doing right by Maeven by homeschooling her...but then I feel like I am always needing to do better at it...I feel I'm doing right by Tyren by teaching him sensitivity and not the macho garbage that our society pushes on little boys...I would have taught this to Baelin as well. *sigh*

Tyren just came over to me and softly "read" to me out of Daddy's paperback book (a sci-fi, I think): "Once upon a time, there was a baby. The end." LOL! Too cute! Wonder if that was supposed to mean something? Him saying that to me, just as I'm thinking of the baby I lost. Probably shouldn't think too much into that.

I'm babbling because I don't know what to write about Baelin. There isn't much to remember. He was with us so short.

I still have Baelin's "shrine" set up in the hutch in the living room. And his picture on the wall, with the other children's (one newborn pic of each of my kids, in a row). That's all I have.

I haven't watched his birth video. I still don't feel ready for that. I'm afraid of how it will make me feel. I'm afraid of the intensity of emotions it might evoke. I don't want to sink into that pit of despair again. I want to watch it someday...just not sure when.

I don't know what Baelin's life and death was supposed to teach us. Everyone says there's a purpose to bad things like this...damned if I know what it is...I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I could do without being this strong.

Adam has suggested getting a cake this year in honor of Baelin's birthday. I guess we might do that...since the garden is trashed (long story, but it got flooded last year and we need to build a wall behind it to keep it from flooding the big room behind it, so we haven't tended to it in ages since we haven't gotten around to working on that.) I plan to replant the whole thing...but just can't get that project going. I hope Baelin understands. He has to know that his Mommy and Daddy are horrid gardeners. We're sorry, baby. We will replant for you and you'll have a lovely garden again, you will.

I don't know what else to think or feel right now...I need to get back to Maeven and Tyren. Oh, here's a pic of Maeven I just took:

I had to put a current pic of her in here too...for those of you that haven't seen her in awhile. :)

I love you Baelin. I always will. And I'll always miss you.

Thinking of you, my sweet angel

Mommy feels so bad because your garden has all gone to hell. But I WILL replant and rebuild it for you. I WILL! WE will.

I think of you so often...so much sadness still hurts my heart that I for the most part don't feel all day every day. But when I think of you, which is many days a week (not everyday anymore, but still often), I feel almost a physical weight in my chest and an almost lump in my throat. It makes me feel very much like "why me?" Why did this have to happen to me and my family? I wish it never happened...I wish I never had to have felt that pain. And I wish that for Adam and Maeven too. :(

I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you. You are not forgotten. Never forgotten. I am looking at your picture still often. Not every day...maybe not even every week. But often still.

I still hurt. I still wish it was different. I think I'm at the point now where I will always be. And I hate that. Its such a sad feeling. Just sad.

I AM happy for your brother Tyren...he's nearly 2 and a half now and a joy to us all (and a challenge as well!) And I remind myself that had you not gone, we wouldn't know Tyren. And I sometimes think about how there was someone that told me that Tyren IS you. I want to ask him. But it feels silly. And I still do not know if I believe that. Its just one of those things that I just don't know.

Anyway, I just wanted to post my feelings and that I'm thinking of you with sadness. I love you baby boy.

The Boy Who Can Fly

This is me down at the bottom and I'm saying "wow" because I see Baelin my baby boy up sitting on the tree and he has wings and he's saying "Hi Maeven!"

The End

Maeven, age 5.5yrs

Tyren's Birth Story--A Happy C-Section, Believe it or not!

Tyren Adam Smith (Baelin's baby brother)
Less than 2 hours old
Born 7/8/05--8lbs 8oz, 22in long

This was a post I sent out after Tyren was born...

well ladies, i made it! and even though it didn't go the way i had originally hoped...it really did go very well and i am happy with the way it turned out. tyren (pronounced TEER-en) is a healthy baby boy! born 8lbs 8oz, 22in long and healthy as a horse!

we did go in and get my waters broken since i was 10days post-date (that's the day that we had and lost baelin...things were getting too stressful to go any further) and we walked laps and did what we could for over 6 hours, trying to get labor started...but nothing really happened. so we went for a tiny bit of pitocin...first half hour nothing...then contractions went from 0-50 in like 20 min...OW! i couldn't take it. i just wanted my baby. dr said we'd let it work for about an hour and then he'd check and see if there was any progress. by the time he checked i was very much overwhelmed by it all and feeling like i just wanted out and was actually relieved when he said there was no progress from the last time he checked (i was still only about a 4, and -2 station)...i was seriously having deja-vu from maeven's birth, where i had a day and half of labor, major mondo contractions, only to end up c-section...i didn't want to go that route again...i didn't want to writhe in agony for hours and hours for little progress again...i think my emotions over baelin were definitely a factor. and there was still the fear of pushing tyren out and not knowing if he was fine until he was out. fearing it may be the wrong decision...sooooo...all this factored in and i just went with my gut. i just wanted my baby. i was totally fine with the c-section. i had made peace with the idea initially anyway, but once we reached this point with the contractions on top of each other just hitting me harder and harder with very little build up...i just couldn't cope...nor did i want to.

let me tell you this c-section was like nite and day from my last one. i didn't think it was possible to have a positive c-section, but i had one! the people were so kind and so awesome! my pediatrician was able to be there and it made such a difference to me that he was...i trusted that they weren't hurting or scaring my baby...i just trusted he was in good hands...wow, really good feeling. anesthesiologist was a sweetheart...wanted to know my special wishes and i told him i wanted to be alert and not strapped down and he said no problem...good to his word too. i coulda kissed him! nurses were sweeties too. really positive, happy mood in the air during the whole thing...joking and laughing and just so friendly. and everyone very concerned about me and how i was doing. it was wonderful.

baby's head was out first and he started gurgling and was that ever music to our ears! then suction and lots of crying and i just was so incredibly overjoyed to hear that that i didn't care so much that they didn't show him to me right away. it was a very different crying that he did compared to maeven...he actually calmed down when they took him over to clean him up (i credit our incredibly gentle ped for that). and i was getting blow by blow descriptions of everything from my ob and from my dh...describing all they could see...

then some interesting news...baby had the cord wrapped around his neck one time and had a "true knot" in it...doc said that the knot could have been bad news had i birthed vaginally...i asked our ped about that later and he agreed. it was kind of a relief...my doc was saying there's a reason for things...and that just made it all the more ok in my mind that i went for the c-section. not that i think it WOULD have been a disaster if he had been born with a knot, but just we already had all the other increased risks...i'm glad this didn't add to it...that could potentially have been even more scary if the knot had tightened and his oxygen had been cut off and dealing with all that...we needed a non-stressful birth...i think that's what we finally got. the nurse wanted to run tyren over to the nursery to weigh him after he was cleaned and get this...my dh stepped up! he walked over and told her that our last birth was a stillbirth and that i needed my baby with me...pediatrician and ob both jumped in and said the same thing in support of my dh and so they wrapped him up and brought him over to me...they were going to let me hold him but i couldn't figure out how to do it with the very little chest space that i had with the drape over me so they gave dh a chair and he sat right next to my head and held tyren right next to me so i could see him and touch him...stroke his face and talk to him and just feel so incredibly relieved...oh it is was so wonderful, mamas! he just looked around with a puzzled look on his face like "where the hell am i?" lol! i swear he looked like a little gnome for that first hour when his face was all swollen and squished together still...his eyes were so fat and squished tight that the ped had a dickens of a time checking them out, lol! but tyren was surprisingly calm during all this and i was so glad his daddy was holding him...

next they took tyren to the nursery briefly for a bath, which dh gave to him and stayed with him and held him the entire time...and i was done getting cleaned up and they took me to recovery where i sat waiting but not anxious or upset, just reveling in the joy of it all and really trusting that tyren was in good hands and knowing dh was with him and all was well. and a clear head! i didn't get groggy or sleepy, but actually was so alert and pumped up on adrenaline, i didn't feel like i had just had surgery! course i was still numb from the chest down, lol.

then i realized that my mom and family waiting probably didn't know what was going on so i asked if i could call them and they gave me a phone so i called my mom's cell and told them everything went perfect and that maeven now had a beautiful baby brother! i think they were surprised to hear from ME, lol, but i knew adam would be tied up with the baby and wouldn't be able to call and tell them and i didn't want to keep them on pins and needles any longer. then they brought the baby back and then adam fetched maeven from my mom downstairs and we spent a good 20 min trying to wake her up, lol. she finally woke up right around the time we went ahead and sent for the first grandma to come meet the baby...the recovery nurse was so cool, she said we could have visitors in there 2 at a time since no one else was in there. she was really kind. so maeven finally woke up and was allllllll smiles. so sweet. not very many pics of those first moments, sadly, since we didn't have our cameras in there, woops! but the grandmas got some pics. then my mom and brother came and adam's mom left and more oooohing and ahhhing and i was just so happy and just floating on a cloud that it was allllll good.

all this happened friday nite, tyren was born 11:08pm...adam and i finally decided not to send maeven home with nana to sleep but that it would be better for her if daddy took her home...good decision cuz she lost it when they left, realizing mommy wasn't coming... :( so the first nite was rough being me and baby alone and trying to juggle new nursing with sore mommy body and all that...but we managed...i didn't actually get much sleep of course, but it was all good cuz tyren was in a remarkably good mood, lol...he only cried to nurse and when he had a bubble...and not much really...and the rest of the time he just kept looking around at everything in such an odd way, like he was trying to figure out something, lol. we had some good conversations. :)

they finally let me go home on sunday...several people surprised that i wanted to go home so early. 2 nites was enough in that horrid hospital bed, thankyou! plus my dd was having a really really hard time without mommy and baby home.

having some rough adjustment now that we are home...but still happy overall...its all to be expected. :)

tyren is nursing well...although sore nipples abound as i'm having to relearn latching on a newborn...woops, been awhile...just got some lanolin today...hopefully that will help.

anyway, i'll have to get some pics up soon...i don't have any on my computer yet.

all in all i have to say it was a really positive experience and worth every minute of it! tyren is a doll and even though he's pissed at me right now cuz my milk hasn't come in fast enough for him (LOL!) he's really a sweetie and we are all doing well in the scheme of things, with only minor bumps that we all expected during this adjustment period (not the least of which, of course, is the lack of sleep factor.) more news later...i am shocked i was able to get this far, since tyren usually is squalling for me every 5min at least, lol!

41wks 1 day

Oh God this sucks to the Nth degree. I had hoped to not reach this point...but here I am, "overdue" again. Last time, with Baelin, we didn't think much about it...but this time, BECAUSE of Baelin...its all different. My OB has been wonderful...giving us more time to sort things out...Not breathing down our neck or pressuring us into anything he knows we don't want. I agreed to getting my membranes stripped last Friday...first by the dr...after going on antibiotics first because I read (the day before I was going in, fully prepared to be stripped and then stumbled across this warning for Strep B positive mamas) that strep b can be introduced early into the uterus with stripping and can cause infection early, including stillbirth. Scared the life outta me so we talked to the doctor about it and we came up with a compromise...putting me on antibiotics on Thursday and stripping the membranes on Friday. I felt much better (emotionally) after being on the antibiotics...So we did that (hurt like HELL! But doable...labor is still worse)...and I went from barely 1cm on Thursday to a little over 2 on Friday to 3 on Saturday (Jacque came and checked and also stripped me gently again) and then Monday when Jacque checked and stripped me again i was going on 4cm! Also had lost my plug! Good progress, even if slow...Both my other pregnancies I never reached this far until I had been in painful labor for hours! Even Baelin's birth--I was about a 3 or 4 when Roger came and gave me a massage and that got me opened up to an 8 or so...So things are progressing interestingly this time. Being already close to 4cm and no real painful contractions yet.

Dr's appt yesterday and he concurred I am at least a 3, going on 4. (Surprised the heck outta him too!) Stripped my membranes again and STILL no active labor! ARGH! I've been on evening primrose oil for weeks now...even been inserting it lately...going to get some castor oil today (although I'm not going to drink it like most people do...Jacque says it can also work by rubbing it on my belly, without the diarrhea and nausea.) And I'm going to try to remember to call my homeopathic dr and get some advice from him on homeopathic remedies and see if that might help. I haven't tried any yet cuz I really didn't want to "DO" things to get this going (although I've done a few)...but we are reaching a critical point now. Tomorrow I have another appt with the doc and I will probably be faced with checking into the hospital and having my water broken...at which point there's no turning back and it could very well lead to a c-section. *sigh* What I've been trying with all my might to avoid.

Yesterday we had an NST and an AFI at the hospital (non stress test, to check baby's heart beat, and ultrasound to check amniotic fluid level.) Passed both with flying colors! Baby's fine. Very good to know.

And now I'm feeling pressure to "DO" something. And I'm feeling that my motives are being questioned, again. For some reason some people seem to think I think of myself more than my child when it comes to birth. That its all about a birth experience for me, and not the baby. Ouch. In reality its ALL about the baby...I've done the research, I know in my heart, despite what happened to Baelin, that a natural, gentle birth is what's best for all babies (barring any actual known emergencies...We have yet to have anything happen yet to warn us anything is wrong with this baby...Just the perceived danger because his brother died...But these are 2 totally different children, totally different pregnancies, totally different births.) And a c-section is not the safest birth possible. Sure it would be an easy way to end this emotional hell we are all in right now...but its NOT the safest option, by far!

My doctor (and I LOVE this guy, don't get me wrong...he's wonderful!) has repeatedly told us, probably in an effort to ease our minds about the procedure, that research shows that modern c-sections and modern vaginal births are about equal for infant and maternal morbidity. But when I asked him if the vaginal births included only natural births or included interventive births he admitted that included interventive...so....Here's my take on that research...I don't see it as c-sections becoming safer, but that vaginal births are getting more dangerous...because of all the unnecessary interventions and the dramatic affects they can have on babies and moms. Its all a matter of perspective. I can see how a surgeon would look at that research and see it as a plus for the surgery side...but as a mom who's gone through the surgery before and knowing what I know about birth...Totally different. Natural birth, barring any actual emergencies, will always be safer. And anyone using my son's death as an example that natural birth is unsafe is an uneducated moron. I'm sorry, I'm in that kind of a mood right now...Natural births have been done for thousands of years and our bodies were designed for them. To suggest that something's unsafe about them is to say that God screwed up, and man knows better. I don't buy it. Baelin was a sad sad fluke. Something was wrong with him, not the birth. We don't know what...but there was something wrong because babies are DESIGNED to be born vaginally!

Anyway, I so don't need to be feeling judged by people with their own agendas right now...I mean, I know we all want the same thing, a healthy, living baby...but making me feel like I'm being selfish for wanting my child to have the gentlest, safest, birth possible, (particularly without having done the research to know what I know about the alternatives...) Just not helpful nor needed. The negative energy coming from this is really detrimental to me at a time I need to relax and encourage this baby to come out.

I will consent to major abdominal surgery if it becomes evident that that is in the best interest of this baby. But right now I don't buy it. There are soooo many things that can go wrong in any surgery...not the least of which is dead mom and/or dead baby. Just because its being done all the time doesn't make it safe, nor does it make it the right thing to do. I want my baby alive and well and I want ME alive and well. For both of my children.

This whole situation is so friggin wrong...Birth isn't supposed to be this complicated! This is just so amazingly difficult in that it goes against my whole belief system in so many ways...and yet because of Baelin dying, I am forced to do things I never would have ever been ok with before...I've already consented to interventions that I felt were the least of my worries, in hopes to kick start things...and am still trying to go with the LEAST scary options...But right now its looking more and more like everyone and everything is against me and I'm heading towards that damned operating table again. Now that I'm seriously facing that, its really scaring the life outta me. Before I was just like "whatever, just give me my baby"...and I do still feel that in a sense...but now that it is becoming a very likely reality...Makes me want to run and hide and say "NOOOOOOOOOO!" I've been trying all along to REDUCE the risks in this pregnancy...and now I'm being told to go for the ultimate risk? UGH! This sucks so much and I so just want to be OUT of this, with my baby in my arms!!

39wks 4 days

Well I could really go any day now and the nervousness is starting...Jacque was here last nite (she's our doula for this birth...she was our midwife for Baelin's birth), and says baby is back down LOW again (he had been very low then came back up again and has been rolling around for weeks now, not settling into any position)...head down, facing my left hip as of last nite. Hope he stays there! Since I found out he was posterior ("sunnyside up", facing straight out of my belly, one of the worst positions because it means the biggest part of his head is entering the birth canal and its very hard to get him down that way...which is what happened with Maeven and at least part of why she ended up a c-section, cuz no one bothered to check her position to see if she was in the right position to drop, so she never dropped...she could have been shifted if only someone had bothered to LOOK!) I have been doing all kinds of exercises I read about here, to turn him and it seems to be finally working...now if I can just get him to stay in the right position! This little guy just moves around so much! Not so much the last couple days though. So hopefully he'll stay put now.

After my last entry Adam and I talked about the issues I had regarding labor and family...and he brought to my attention that he really needs his own support there so we are discussing some compromises to my original wishes. And I am not feeling so intensely against anyone and everyone not being there now...although I still don't need or want the hovering during labor (I prefer no one to witness me in labor/birth other than those essential people--husband, doctor, doula...ugh, what a vulnerable time) and I still want the bonding period with just the 4 of us. But I think I could handle one or 2 people in the waiting room for Adam during labor if it gives him comfort. Its not all entirely about me, I know that. I'm not a completely insensitive person. :( Sometimes it may appear that way but I'm just an intense person who never feels anything small. Never. Everything is always big for me and that's just who I am. Who I always have been. But I'm not stupid nor do I NOT care about my husband's and other's feelings. I do, they just get shadowed by my own intense feelings often and its harder for me to see them. Particularly in this whole situation.

Boy, I tell ya, I'm so dang sick of the whole pregnancy and birthing situation that I would probably be just fine if we never go through any of this ever again. Two is enough, I think (but then talk to me again in a couple years when I get that baby fever again, LOL!) This experience has been so completely different than the last one for so many many reasons...I hate that I have to think about so many things that I didn't have to deal with with my homebirth. Hospital births are way too complicated. I had to re-educate myself on all the procedures that I will need to ward off or agree to...To make a detailed birth plan to explain exactly what I'm expecting and wanting for this birth...otherwise they would just steam roll over me with the standard procedures that just make birth an assembly line experience...all the interventions that most often are just not needed. All the crap I had with Maeven that I didn't want and still ended up having since we weren't educated enough on it all (I thought we were...but those hospital birthing classes just don't prepare you for it all...they mostly prepare you to be a good, consenting patient, ugh. And look what it got me...an unnecessary c-section...UGH!) So different from my birth with Baelin where I didn't need to write up a plan because I got intensely personal, wonderful, care from my midwife who took the time to regularly sit with both Adam and I and really learn what it is that we wanted out of the experience. Not to mention the vast majority of the procedures I have to deal with at a hospital birth are just not done at home (which is why the appeal of home!) Ugh, I'm just so tired of reading and researching and refreshing my memory on all this stuff and preparing myself and my birth plan to express my wishes. It makes me angry that I have to do this. If more women educated themselves and prepared fully for a hospital birth then it wouldn't be so hard for those of us that don't just agree to all the unnecessary things they want to do...we wouldn't be the "weird" ones. ARGH! But no, my friends and I are not the norm...education apparently isn't something that is very common amongst pregnant mamas cuz I keep running into people that are surprised by all I know. Thank God I have a doctor who actually appreciates it, though. He actually told me that I'm probably the most educated mom he's met. That's really sad to me. I'm not THAT educated...I don't know it all...I'm not reading medical books...nor spending every waking moment on the topic...I just read a lot of books and info on the internet from repudable sources and talk to a lot of people who really know this stuff. And ask LOTS of questions. I just don't believe in doing anything this big without first knowing what I'm getting into. Its way too important.

4 weeks to go

About 4 weeks to go til this baby's official due date (whatever that really means, lol!) and sooooo many emotions are coming up. The fact that we've never had a non-traumatic birth experience is definitely relevant...but surprisingly, right now, Maeven's birth trauma seems to be coming to the surface for me, more than Baelin's.

Adam and I have been going round and round about what to do at the hospital as far as family coming during labor or after the baby is born. Ever the kind-hearted soul, Adam doesn't want anyone's feelings to be hurt...but I tell ya, I have such raw feelings about the whole thing that I really had to push the issue and make it known what I am feeling with all my heart right now.

Some people like lots of people being around for their labor and births...I do NOT. Never have, not at all. I only want Adam and Jacque there...and of course the doctor to catch. Yes, I think I said before, we are doing this one in the hospital...just too many emotions to deal with at home...but I could go on and on about how I feel like I'm giving fuel to the anti-homebirth people by doing this and how much I HATE that...and feeling like people in our lives will use our example as a reason why homebirth is unsafe, which it isn't, and blame it on the homebirth....ay yi yi, it hurts my head to go there...I know in my heart Baelin would most likely have died no matter where he had been born...but I just cannot bring myself to put my husband, nor I, through another homebirth regardless. I know hundreds of happy ending stories for homebirths....ours, sadly, just wasn't one of them. (Here's a bit of irony...babies die during hospital births WAY more than at home...I've heard so many many stories since losing Baelin...and I'm the only one that lost my little one at home out of all the stories I've heard...and yet I don't hear people around the hospital deaths saying they shouldn't birth in the hospital anymore...*sigh*) Anyway, I digress...

The point is that I don't like people hovering over me during labor...even if they are just in another room...I know they're there and the energy of expectance is still felt...I had this to the nth degree with Maeven's birth...and at the time I was mostly oblivious to it, being caught up in my first-time labor...but not now...not after all I went through with Maeven's birth, and not after Baelin's birth...The thought of people hanging out waiting for me to have this baby just makes me so extremely uncomfortable right now...And anyway I just don't see the point in friends and family camping out at the hospital while I'm in labor...I honestly really think it will hinder my labor. And its not like I'm picking out certain people...I don't even want my OWN parents there! And I'm very close with my parents!

After having gone through all we have gone through with both of our children so far...birthwise...I just feel no comfort whatsoever in having people there. Not even in another room. I can't really explain it completely...I just really want them to stay home and let us call when he's here. But first Maeven. Maeven is to meet her brother before anyone else meets him!

Then there's the next issue of when to let family come see him...

I got NO time immediately after birth to bond with Maeven or, obviously, Baelin. NONE. We've never had that opportunity and this time around it has become so incredibly important to me that I feel like I am fighting for my life to get it. Its important to know, I think, my memories of Maeven's birth regarding this...this is something that continues to haunt me and has come up to the surface in a major way just recently. It may not be entirely accurate to what actually happened...but its how I remember it all...

You can read Maeven's whole horrible birth story here...but here's the condensed version of what happened after she was out...with a little bit different perspective years later and after another traumatic birth and much time to process everything...from the mommy's point of view...

Maeven was a c-section...and as such we were told that it was standard procedure for c-section babies to go to the nursery for 2hours after birth for observation. We didn't have the strength or the knowledge at the time to fight this. I have since learned this is a load of crap and they can just as easily observe the baby WITH the mommy...but we didn't know that at the time...So this is what I remember of those first moments:
I'm strapped to a table, both arms tied down in a crucifixion position...exhausted after 35.5hours of labor with way too many interventions, none of which I wanted, and they cut my baby out of me and tell me she's a girl and bring her to me for a brief second to look at...very very brief holding her up to my face then back to the warmer to get cleaned up...I send Adam to be with her because I don't want her alone and I sense he doesn't know if he should leave me...I want him to be with her so I tell him to go with her...Then I'm lying there listening to her scream while they clean her/measure her/whatever...I can't move, can't see anything (even if the curtain wasn't over my abdomen blocking my view I couldn't have seen because I didn't have my glasses on...not to mention that I suspect the anesthesiologist injected something into my IV that really doped me up and made it darn near impossible to stay awake, right after Maeven was out so its sorta all a blur). This was my first moment as a mommy...and I felt it to my very core...I was screaming in my head "STOP, you're scaring her! Can't you tell that you're scaring her? Please just bring her to me!! She needs her mama! Just let me hold my baby!!" That was such an intense moment. I remember that feeling vividly. But being a good little patient, I said nothing. *groan* And once they were done cleaning her up the nurse swooped her over to me one more time...this time a little closer so I could kiss her cheek...I really don't remember much of what she looked like, it was so brief and I was in such a haze with all the drugs and all that I had already gone through and the wonderful realization that I was finally a mama, something I've yearned to be my whole life...Its all so fuzzy except the intense emotions of the moment. Then she was gone and I was fighting to stay awake til I could see her again.

I suspect that I fell asleep here and there...its all very fuzzy and there are gaps in my memory...Of course they stitched me up and sent me back to my room...I remember Sara (my doula) trying to show me the video footage of Maeven in the nursery, on the camera, but I just couldn't focus on the camera, I was way too doped up. Next thing I remember I'm in another room, post partum I guess...and I'm fighting like mad to stay awake cuz I just want my baby...I just want to look at her and hold her! I called a friend to talk to on the phone while I waited...I was all alone for I don't know how much time...but somewhere around 2 hours after she was out they finally let Adam wheel her in to me.

Now here's what gets me...I found out much later what happened during all this time...Adam was in the nursery with her and she was screaming her head off (oh yes, she's still a screamer)...and he told me the minute he touched her she calmed down but the nurses told him to stop because she "needs to cry"... OH - MY - GOD!!!! This is the biggest load of crap I've ever heard!! This is so totally wrong and I won't even go into all the stuff I've read about WHY this is wrong...lets move on to the next part that gets me...

I have a picture of Maeven's grandmas oogling her...proud proud grandmas touching and cooing and talking to my child while I am in the other room, alone, with my gut stitched back together, drugged up and fighting like hell to stay awake and every fiber of my being yearning to be with my baby!! I'm NOT mad at the grandmas for this...no no no...I'm mad at the dang hospital policy and myself for not fighting it! Its sooooo wrong... It was all so wrong...There's pictures and video footage of my husband's father and girlfriend oogling the baby through the nursery window and following Adam down the hall, oogling the baby as he wheels her to me...There's the nurses and all that they did with her...and the fact that ALL these people got to spend those precious first 2 hours with MY child while I, the mother who carried her for 9 months and suffered through the excrutiating labor and had her ripped from my body...had to lay in intense emotional distress in the other room, without my child!!! Waiting waiting waiting...the hardest wait of my life!

Fast forward to Baelin's birth, which was so beautiful until it became apparent that he wasn't breathing...Everything about the labor and delivery was mostly perfect (I've learned that the heart decelerations he had are quite common in the pushing stage) and pushing him out was so incredibly empowering...and then I didn't even get to touch him. All I could do was sit back and watch the resucitation attempts and then all the emergency people filling my house..then he was gone...whisked away in an ambulance and I didn't see him again until much later....they brought me into the hospital and Adam met me in the hallway and tearfully confirmed Baelin was dead...and holding him finally, a bit later after that, but not really wanting to because it was all so bizarre and sad and gut-wrenching...

This is what brings me to this baby's birth. Things are going to be so very different. One way or the other. Vaginal or c-section (I seriously feel I will VBAC again no problem...but honestly I just want my child, so I'm prepared for anything, just give me my child.) I am so determined that no one is going to take away those precious first hours from me again! I never got to bond with either of my children immediately following birth. They were both ripped from me. Maeven through "procedure" and Baelin through death. All I want is to be able to be alone...Adam, Maeven, and I, with our new little guy...for as long as we feel we need...to bond with him for those first moments and not have people lining up at the door, waiting to catch a peek of him.

OH I will definitely want to show him off, that's for sure! And I am not at all wanting to ban anyone from coming to see him for any serious length of time...and I know that all who suffered with us through the loss of our sweet baby Baelin are wounded on some level by his loss as well...and are just as hopeful as we are to get to know this little guy...But I just want those first moments to be respectfully sacred between just the mommy, daddy, and new big sister and little brother. I don't want us to be on display until we get to have that special time that we've never had before. Right now I'm thinking an hour or 2 but honestly it could be shorter or longer, I have NO idea...I've never gotten this opportunity before and I just want everyone to stay home til we call and say to come see him. I really don't think I'm asking too much and I seriously think most everyone will understand. I hope they do. Its so important to me to have that time...whatever the length.

Of course Adam will call and tell everyone the news, when there is news...but I don't think I'm asking too much that people just wait til we give the word to come. Am I?